Joe The Bummer

Nation, I’m furious. Yesterday, when I opened up this week’s copy of Time magazine, I found this disturbing piece of information:
Oh really, Joe the Plumber? Or is it Joe the Bummer? When you set foot upon the Straight Talk Express, did you expect to get off at the corner of Fame and Fortune? Well, you got off on the wrong stop, on Backstab Alley. If you had wanted another 15 seconds of fame, you should have just asked John McCain. The gracious senator would have obliged, just like he obliged Bush's desire to speak at the Republican National Convention.

Nation, we need to stand up against this plumbing plight. We need to boycott these pipemen. Next time your toilet gets backed up, you just flush that toilet once more. Take one for America. Don’t take betrayal for an answer. If this nation didn't demand plumber loyalty, we’d all still be using chamber pots.

When Big Plumbing rides out to Washington on their recliner toilets, asking for a government bailout, you kick them back down to the U-Bend.

And when that plumber comes to your house and starts offering the legal type of crack, you reach down and pull his underwear up. This country cannot afford to pander to the immorality of the pipegrabbing minority.

Nation, listen to me. Something needs to be done about the pipe crisis. If we don’t when they ask who killed America, it won’t be Colonel Mustard in the library with the rope. It’ll be Joe the Plumber in the lavatory with the lead pipe.

Problem Solved: Economic Crisis

Lately, people have been really anxious about the whole economic meltdown that's been threatening our nation.

Don't worry, I'm on it.

Fist Of McCain (Not A Cheap Karate Movie)

Nation, it's no secret that my dad is a Demo. But now, so is my family. So, today, in order to combat the dangers of liberalism in my family, I slapped a McCain sticker onto the back of my hand. When I rose my fist into the air, I was literally "Raisin' McCain." I could even say that I knew John McCain like the back of my hand. As my final act of defiance, I punched a picture of Obama. That'll teach the fam.

If only they had listened to my request to do town hall meetings. By now, we could have done at least ten, and I wouldn't have had to resort to such drastic measures.

Physics

I hate my physics class. I hate it more than I hate anything else in the world, except quite possibly my physics teacher. He's a terrible teacher. He's this old guy who uses the word "why" like a Dr. Seuss character. For example, he might say, "With this acceleration, why, think of all the places you'll go!" Except when he says it, he doesn't pause long enough after the "why" and it just sounds like a jumbled, incomprehensible question asked in monotone.

Pretty much everything else he says is incomprehensible too. He has this incredible ability to turn any simple concept into something impossible to understand. And when you can understand it, he goes into "Over Kill Mode" and repeats it a million times. For example, to show that a table can exert normal force against any object he, placed at least 5 objects on the table, and acted like it was a huge magic trick that they didn't fall through the table. Only the physics majors in the front row were laughing by the second go around. By the way, the picture is of him showing us that the table would even exert normal force against his "corpulent body," as he is so fond of saying. 

Essentially, everyone just sleeps through the class, and good thing too, I feel like I need a nap.

Whimpey in the Pool

Oh my gosh, Whimpey was in the pool tonight! And yes, ladies, he DOESN'T look so Whimpey with his shirt off. I know all the Whimpey fans out there are desperate for the update, so I'll share all the juicy details with you.

OMG! I talked to Michael J. Whimpey! Here's the conversation, pretty much verbatim:

Whimpey: Hey, do they have swim lessons here in the summer?

Me: Yeah.

Whimpey: Do they have diving lessons?

Me: No, sir. Go ahead. (Whimpey goes down slide with daughter)

Now, now, I know you're all a little "miffed" that I didn't say more to him, but I was too afraid that I might bring up painful memories of his campaign, and I didn't want to ruin his fun filled evening with his wife and kids.

'NOTHER REASON WHIMPEY'S GREAT: He actually knew our slide laprider policy. No questions asked, he just knew it. Only great people don't get angry with me when I explain it, and only the really really great people go down the slide to get a lifejacket for their kids. Mike Whimpey just showed up with his daughter and a lifejacket, ready to go.

UNFORTUNATELY, he can't dive very well. I'm no connoisseur of diving, but from the top of the slide tower, it didn't look so dignified.

SIGNS OF APATHY AMONG TODAY'S YOUTH: I told the first guard who came to rotate me that the guy standing to her left, yes that one, next to the woman in the red swimming suit, was Michael J. Whimpey. She laughed, and then said "Who?" After that, I told several people, but no one knew who he was. It's sad when kids don't know who the candidates for their city council were. 

So there you have it, the whole scoop on Whimpey Night. You just had to be there to really know how great it was.

PS: He grew a very short beard.

Now announcing the creation of a new blog: The Wii World Channel. For those unfamiliar with the Wii, the Wii Menu is made up of various channels (the Weather Channel, the News Channel, etc.). I'm adding a new one, the Wii World Channel. It addresses the question that we're all faced with, namely, is the Wii going to take over every aspect of life as we know it, and when it does, will it be better? The Wii World Channel candidly explores these questions, with futuristic pictures and in depth analysis. Tune in to the Wii World Channel wii-kly to see what the future could be. 

Visit: wiiliefandwiilaxation.blogspot.com  OR

click on the link that says "A View Of The Future" to begin your Wiiventure.

I usually call him "D" or "Sir." But today, I would like to honor and respect him a little bit more. On this Father's Day, I've decided to reflect on the things that make my dad such a great dad. All the things that I am, I am because I emulated traits in him.

My dad is always kind, and very patient. He's charismatic, and everyone likes him. He's a great mediator, and he's always able to see the story from both sides.

He's smart, and has his PhD. I hope to someday be as intelligent, and have as good of an ability to make thoughtful faces as my dad.

My dad sticks up for the things he believes in. He's a Democrat, a rarity in Utah, and he sticks up for it. He gets in trouble with his superiors for his beliefs, but continues stand true to his morals.

My dad is hilarious. He has a random sense of humor that I truly connect with. He's never afraid to do silly things the rest of us are afraid to do to make someone laugh.

My dad is a provider. This is a picture of him in his samurai getup before he goes to hunt wild beasts in the morning.

My dad is always willing to help us out. Even when the job is as unpleasant as Calculus homework, or carrying Julia.

My dad always spends time with us and gets into the things we like to do. He actually knew all 150 Pokemon, and had defeated the Elite Four. He got all 120 Stars in Super Mario 64, and got every jiggy in Banjo Kazooie. He even learned to text! I love to spend time with my dad. He makes most anything fun.

My dad always treats my mom with love. He's an excellent example of what a husband should be. I hope I can be like him (that is, if I ever get married). He's a great example for me at all times, and I love my dad. Happy Father's Day, Sir.

PS: Sometimes he breaths fire, so don't get on his bad side.

Graduation Speeches

Many of you attended my graduation ceremony on Friday. Quite frankly, I thought the whole thing was a waste of time. However, I won't be addressing that opinion in this blog. No, the purpose of this blog is to show a taste of what could have been. 

I was asked, among others, to prepare a graduation speech and participate in a speech-off. It was basically a death match, though I refrained from killing any of the other candidates. Instead, I killed the time honored tradition of traditional graduation speeches. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present: my graduation speech.

B.F. Skinner once said, “Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.” Incidentally, B.F. stands for Burrhus Frederick, which is arguably one of the most comical names I’ve ever heard. But who was this Skinner man, the man behind the Burrhus? He was a psychologist, who drove patients insane by saying confusing things like, “Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.”

No, seriously, Professor Skinner was an influential psychologist, and a very important man. Here on Graduation Day, we also aspire to become important men. Except for those of us who are women, who aspire to become important women.
 

As we leave Mountain View, we ask ourselves, how can we become important men and women? My guess is that it has something to do with education surviving after what has been learned has been forgotten.
 

But what does that mean? When the Graduation Committee gave me this quote, they essentially gave me a blank check, allowing me to run away with the interpretation however I pleased.
 

“Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.” Perhaps it means we’ve already got our education, and now we should try to forget as much as possible. Perhaps the Grinch said it best when he declared, “Maybe education doesn’t come from a store, maybe education…perhaps…means a little bit more.”
 

And perhaps it does mean a little bit more. Here at Mountain View, much like the Grinch, we’ve puzzled till our puzzlers were sore, we’ve done school work till we couldn’t, no more. Forgive the grammar, English teachers, I just felt the need to write poetry, which is something else we’ve done here at Mountain View.
 

But what will happen when we’ve forgotten what we’ve puzzled, and what we’ve studied? What will remain of our high school careers? Might I suggest, in the words of B.F. Skinner, that “education, is what survives?” What will remain is our memories of the good times here at Mountain View, the friends that we’ve made, and the wonderful administration. What getting an education has taught us are the things that no book can teach, not even the Bible. We will have learned how to learn, and we will have gained confidence in ourselves. The skills we have developed, whether they be music, drama, dance, foreign language, business, computers, or underwater basket weaving, will follow us throughout our lives, whether or not we make a career of them. While the actual substance of what we have learned, the quadratic formula, the laws of thermodynamics, or iambic pentameter, may be forgotten, the life lessons taught, the talents cultivated, and the myriad things that make high school high school have intertwined to make what is called an education, which will define who we are for the rest of our lives.
 

So, hopefully, our lives have grown through gaining an education these past few years. However, our hearts may not have grown three times like the Grinch. As for rhymes, maybe this’ll do in a pinch.

I’ll talk no more, my speech is through,

Congratulations, senior class of Mountain View.

Poll Results

The results are in. The poll has closed. And clearly, "Something Free" has won the vote with a stunning 72%. Either that or Costco has won it all, which is entirely possible. I will now interpret the results using my vast knowledge of statistics.

First, the results may be incorrect. I personally have seen votes change all the time. At one point, some economically minded person had voted for "Robbing A Bank." The vote disappeared when they were apprehended by authorities. At another time, there was a vote for "Hanging Out," but it was so lame that both the person and the vote died. And so, after much strife, we come to our present poll scores. 

Secondly, we much check for either "normality" or a large sample size. It wasn't a large sample, and the sample was probably not normal. Maybe it was normal in the statistical sense, but you people are definitely a "nonnormal population." And so, I should probably not being doing statistical analysis on this poll. 

Instead, I will interpret the broader meaning of this poll. First, because "Something Free" won, I must conclude that there are some girls out there that I should obviously go out with. Never pass up a date with a "financially savvy young lady." I must also conclude that it is socially acceptable to go to Costco for samples.

Unfortunately, capturing an alarming 28% of the vote were the "Boring Romantic People." These people simply disgust me. They probably think it's fun to kiss. Or hold hands, or some other unacceptable form of physical contact. Frankly, I'm sorry to see that our country has stooped so low, that our lives are becoming more like chick flicks than war movies. I think we should move towards kung-fu movies, because the women can always karate chop heads off in those movies. 

And that's the option I forgot for the poll! "Karate Chopping Random People!" What a great date! 

Thanks for answering the poll! Please give me ideas for the next poll, or just call me mean names for this one!

I haven't posted in forever, but I think really need to start again, so I'll post the funny essay thing I was supposed to write for English.

Butterflies

A butterfly is an insect of the order Lepidoptera. Like all Lepidoptera, butterflies are notable for their unusual life cycle with a larval caterpillar stage, an inactive pupal stage, and a spectacular metamorphosis into a familiar and colourful winged adult form. Most species are day-flying so they regularly attract attention. The diverse patterns formed by their brightly--

Shoot. I seem to have inserted my biology homework (I did that in class too. You would not believe the look from the English teacher when he thought that was my "funny essay."). Here goes for real:

MV Speed Bump Mauls Small Child

OREM, UT- A small child was attacked by a gigantic speed bump in the Mountain View parking lot, authorities stated Thursday night. According to local residents, the speed bumps frequently claw at the bottom of cars that travel over them, and the scattered carcasses of vehicles are strewn all over them. 

Apparently they’ve developed at taste for human flesh. 

Little Timmy Tompkins told police he was walking unattended through the parking lot late Thursday afternoon when one of the speed bumps reared up and attempted to devour him. As chilling evidence to his story, Timmy’s face was scratched, and so were his elbows and knees.

“He’s lucky the speed bumps are not yet fully matured,” declared Paul Pylon, a speed bump scientist at the Utah Institute of Fictional Biology. “They can grow up to three feet tall,” he further elaborated. 

“It was more than big enough, and it’s a menace!” screamed an irate Ira Irking, spokeswoman for the Mothers Against Driving Dangers (MADD). Already, the speed bumps are visible on Google Earth (motto: “Proudly Helping Students Find Their Teachers’ Houses Since 2005). 

“We anticipate being able to see the speed bumps from space with our naked eyes in the near future,” confided Jack “Buzz Lightyear” Jackson, the first astronaut to successfully complete the suited orbit of the flagpole outside Mountain View, and who has seen the devastating effects of the speed bumps firsthand. “These are majestic creatures, really quite magnificent,” he continued. “Though I’d have to admit I wouldn’t want one stuck down my shorts.”

Though little Tompkins was attacked by a speed bump, it was only one of the two species that make Mountain View their home. The parking lot is also the habitat for speed humps, the smaller relative of the speed bump in the Asphaltus family. The police found the humps in the north side of the parking lot. 

“They are much less vicious than the bumps,” stated Pylon, who is very eager to get his fictional research into the scientific mainstream, where he can receive federal grant money. All presidential candidates have declined to comment on their position on “bump and hump research” for this article.

In fact, there is an even smaller species, called the speed lump, which is used to slow Hot Wheels Cars. The CEO of Fantastical Sounding Imaginary Biological Products, Inc. was unavailable for comment, but products from the company are expected to hit WalMart shelves early 2009, as are computers, livestock, and tactical nuclear weapons. WalMart representatives were also unavailable for comment, though an “associate” stated that he was sure WalMart sold comments at “rolled back prices.”

Timmy Tompkins is in good condition, and is expected to make a full recovery after his encounter with the speed bump. Until bump conditions in the parking lot improve, police advise throwing steaks to the speed bumps when walking past to appease them.

“You can also push a friend towards the speed bump to distract them,” Pylon cheerfully observed. “If you don’t have a friend, push a teacher.” –Mark Siebert, The Daily Fiction News

I Am Legend

No. I haven't seen it. I swear I get a "Have you seen I Am Legend?" more than I get normal comments, like, "Hi," or "Death to Hillary!" It's getting to be quite a problem. In fact, as I'm writing this, someone has just Instant Messengered me and asked if I have seen I Am Legend.

I Am Legend. There's no getting around the fact. I see frightening parallelisms between my own life, and Will Smith's acting. In the movie, a virus supposedly turns everyone on the Earth except Will Smith (because he has excellent writers) into zombies who then attack said actor. Or they turn into corpses. Incidentally, this movie is turning everyone on the Earth into a zombie who is forced to attack me with the question, "Have you seen I Am Legend?" And about the corpses, I'm sure someone's had an epileptic seizure while watching the movie.

From the plot of the movie, I can see that I will soon be the only living man on Earth who has not seen the movie. The only thing I can't see mimicking the movie is the dog. Sorry, I'm pretty sure if I was the last man alive, I sure wouldn't be talking to my dog for moral support. I would be eating it for nutritional support.