The Green Scare

Nation, it's no secret that I hate St. Patrick's Day. At least, now it isn't. You might ask, "Mark, why would you hate such a great holiday?" The answer is simple. St. Patrick's Day is nothing more than a liberal scheme to make us all accept the 'green' agenda.

Need more proof?

• St. Patrick's Day isn't a federal holiday. It's a social holiday. What else starts with social? Hmm... I don't know, maybe SOCIALISM?

• The pressure for everyone to wear green is violently conformist. It's an attempt to create a green wearing proletariat to topple the dark suit wearing elites of society.

• Shamrock culture glorifies the four leafed clover over the normal three leafed variety. With this 'the more leaves the better' view how long is it before our children begin seeking out a certain seven leafed 'clover' and start smoking it?

• The myths of plump leprechauns and their pots of gold sitting at the end of a rainbow sounds mildly familiar. Like chubby Congressmen with their welfare checks sitting in Washington?

I think there's no doubt now that there is a St. Patty Plight. It's only a short leap from wearing green, to pinching loggers, to leading PETA rallies. There's also no doubt that we need a charismatic visionary to lead the crusade against the Blarney Brethren. Mark McCarthy, perhaps? 

I urge everyone to band together to fight this liberal scheme. Waste an extra piece of paper today just to show them who's in control. Let your car idle while you listen to the end of that song on the radio. Make a GreenList of known (and unknown) liberals. Let's hit 'em while they're smoking shamrocks.