Another Cause For Cancer

Since the beginning of time, or at least the past couple of decades, mankind has been plagued by a problem. A problem singlehandedly responsible for obesity, rising divorce rates, and Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize. It has also been linked to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Of course, you current events savvy people already know what I'm speaking of. For the rest of you, I refer to the annoying beeping sound videogames make when you're nearly dead.

A staple in the Pokemon and Zelda franchises, the noise has driven countless gamers into insanity. I personally kill my little guy whenever I get to that point in any game. It's the only way to maintain my hold on my mental facilities. I'm absolutely certain it's the only reason for the end of the Golden Age of the Pokemon Fad. It's a sad day when our nation's children have no idea that Squirtle evolves into Wartortle, but can easily name our nation's presidents. What is this country coming to?

We need to take action on the "Annoying Beeping of Communism" problem. Write your Congressperson and tell them your concerns. They will likely never get the letter, but their staff might laugh until drool runs onto their legal notepads. This is because they don't care. They are funded by the "Beeping Interests Economic Program" (acronym pronounced "Beep," in various degrees of vehemence, depending on the amount of anger being expressed). They couldn't care what happens to you, as long as they get their check from the Beeping Special Interest Groups. I suggest that we send them a Gameboy, with a nearly dead Pokemon and the sound on full blast. The drool on their legal notepads won't be from laughter then.