Humor: A Healthy Alternative To Sporting

I'm a pretty funny guy. Who's not a Narcissist. People just tell me I'm funny. And I wonder why. I think for this week, I'll come out and bluntly state what I'm going to "analyze," so Sir Rich will have an easy time finding the "meat" (beef) of the blog is. I'm going to find one reason for why I use so much humor, and then blatantly ignore all other possibilities.

First, in order to talk about this, not to mention fill up space, we have to define humor. The Free Online Dictionary defines humor as, "a body fluid, such as-" What in the? No wonder this thing is free! For some reason they think that just because they offer a free service, they can be as sloppy as they want! I think we should bite them. Maybe we should write to our congressperson supporting the Bite Act, which would make the mandatory punishment for doing something stupid being bitten by a special professional biter. These professional biters would have to go through a complex qualification process, which would consist of being able to chew through something hard, like the plastic fruit old ladies like to trick people with at parties. I guess I'm just going to define humor myself. Humor is funny. And I don't mean those lame jokes that have been around forever, probably from the time of the ancient Greeks, or maybe the Egyptians. I can only imagine that when Howard "How 'ard? Very hard!" Carter unearthed the tomb of Tut, he found ancient Egyptian jokes in there. "What do you call a humpless camel? A humpless camel!!!" (these were very primitive jokes)

Now... what could possibly account for me being funny? Well, quite frankly, I'm sure it was a cover up. I developed humor to cover the fact that I can't play sports. The other boys were all doing back flips, hitting home runs, and demonstrating their strength by lifting the school, etc. And I have the physical ability of gravel. So I decided to be funny. Now, it's just an automatic reflex. Someone will lift their car, and to "one up" them (does this have to do with the One Ups, like in Mario?), I'll say, "That reminds me of a joke..." I'll admit it, it's a hit every time. I'm sure all around the world, guys everywhere are doing this. This explains why sports guys aren't funny. You never see a Quarter Back telling a joke before the game. No, they're always talking about how they're going to dominate. And the announcers, who all used to play football aren't funny, either. I was watching the BYU vs. Oregon ("Home of the Ducks!") game, and the announcers were awful! They were talking and all laughing, and displaying little plastic action figures, like it was the funniest joke ever. I didn't even smile. My reaction went something along the lines of, "what a bunch of losers." But it doesn't matter. They didn't have sports inadequacies to hide. They are free to make bad jokes, and be as stupid as they want. At least until Congress passes the Bite Act, that is.

Even Chlorine Addicts Get Second Chances

Freedom of speech doesn't exist. It's true. I already wrote a blog about how unhappy I was to be writing a blog on Christmas Eve. Needless to say, I got caught up in the passion of the moment, and my parents censored me. None of you, except the President, will ever know the contents of the missing blog. It will haunt your dreams until it is released in the Bonus DVD, with the stupid games and the blooper reel. So for those of you who believe in second chances, here goes. I decided to write something hopelessly sappy, to make sure that I don't get censored this time. Wish me luck; this could get blasphemous.

I was looking out the window at the snow (ok, so there isn't snow, but there were paper snowflakes at the President's house), and I was amazed at the beauty of these falling ice crystals. And then I got bored. But it made me think (and those of you who know me know that this takes nothing short of a cattle prod, generally) about the uniqueness of the snowflakes. They (but I'm not sure who) say that no two snowflakes are alike. This statement can be applied to people as well. No two people are alike. Aww... how cute! This is definitely a good thing, because I would feel really bad for the poor soul who knew my evil twin. I mean, I feel sorry for the people who know the real me as it is!

So why is every person different? Well, I think that it's because there are no two people who experience the exact same things. Something is bound to be different, and this could result in differences like those between Lucky Charms vs. Marshmallow Maties. You could test this out. You could put two clones into white rooms (it's always white, any other color could have disasterous consequences like the destruction of a common stereotype) and give them the same food (cold pizza) and the same objects to play with (I just made all that up). They're not going to stay the same. They'll figure out different things to do with the objects, and they'll eat their foods in different ways (chopsticks vs. forks, or just eating vs. talking on the phone at the same time). These differences will accumulate to create totally different people. I mean, even at the cellular level (doesn't that just SOUND smart? Or at least nerdy?), they will be different. It is, well I'll come out and say it, stupid to suppose that every single one of the clones' (insert favorite big number here) cells is used the same way, and the same amount, and that the cells will even mutate the same. With that creepy and crappy (sorry Hannah) made up situation, one realizes just how correct I am. One realizes how well I've analyzed all possible outcomes, and synthesized the correct answer. Go ahead and say it, Sir Rich, "Full credit for the second try!"

Singing In The Snow

Contrary to the awesome title, I wasn't doing any singing in the snow. I'm sorry if you were misled in any way. But not sorry enough to change the title. Today during church, rather than having a Priesthood lesson, the Priests went and shoveled the walks of elderly people in the ward. Naturally, we were overjoyed. I'm not sure that that's a comment on the quality of our lessons, or the quality of our souls. "Whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos." Wait. Wrong story. We ended up shoveling what had to be the longest driveway in the city. Quite frankly, I believe that having a driveway longer than two car lengths should be punishable by the law. With death. Anyways, I think I'll write a summary of the event, and try to string together a couple of intelligent analytical thoughts. Or actually, I think I'll just say the things that bugged me, and then I'll try and come up with an analytical thought about it.

The first thing that bugged me was stated above. Why in the world do these people have such long driveways? Well, they're old, and they can afford it. Mostly because they sure aren't gonna be shoveling the walks. They know their ward is gonna do "service." Or perhaps they want to stay fit by having a long walk to get the mail. Or maybe they just like the view of concrete pavement. I'm all out of ideas. Next idea!

While we were shoveling, it just kept snowing. We were just about as effective as Pickett's charge. Which was almost successful, but not quite, so people just think of it as a loss, sort of like Al Gore in the 2000 elections. Basically, by the time we got to the end of the driveway, the other end was covered in snow again. Why were we doing this then? Well, it's because it's the thought that counts. Actually, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I mean, nobody pays for thoughts. "Faith without works is dead!" Basically, we were doing this because of a more clandestine reason. When we shoveled the walk would get wet, and then the walks would ice over. Pretty soon, we would get old people flying through the air, like some sort of sick twisted circus routine. And then they would die, and we wouldn't have to ever shovel the walks again! Score!

There were these kids who we were with basically did nothing but quote movies. I've already made my position on quoting clear, but I was wondering why in the world these kids were so worthless. Perhaps they were born under a worthless star. Maybe if they did any type of work, they would have an allergic reaction, and die in a sneezing fit. Cause we didn't have any epipens. Or maybe, but this is a stretch for me, they were just lazy. And basically, I'm lazy too. Because I'm done writing this. Sorry it was so lame this week, I just felt a need to vent in a really dumb "analytical" blog. Plus I wanted to Sir Rich to have a boring time reading at least one of my blogs.

Jingle Bells? Or Just The Money Jingling In Your Pocket?

America. The land of freedom. The "nation under God, with liberty, and justice for all". The land where it is a Constitutional right to create a Christmas CD. Yes, anyone, except quite possibly Dennis Rodman, can slow down Christmas songs to show "feeling" in the United States. Any random bum off the street can create his own inspiring lyrics that uplift not only the soul, but also commercialism. This explains the Beach Boys singing about the "little St. Nick" when they (the Beach Boys) have nothing to do with anything (Christmas). In fact, the Civil War actually occurred not because of the issue of slavery, but because Southern plantation owners refused to let their slaves create Christmas music. In response, Honest "Abe" Lincoln stated in his Gettysburg address that "fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposistion that all men might write a Christmas album." However, libel aside, this blog seeks not to prove the existence of this Christmas Album Culture, but rather the reasons behind it.

Some people would say that music artists write Christmas music because they simply love Christmas music. These people are stupid. No normal person would sing emotionally about a snowman, or a mutated reindeer with a red nose. No, the real reason behind Christmas CDs is money. Now this may sound like déjà vu (French for: a very good reason), but just because it's been the answer for the last two blogs, doesn't mean that I just don't want to think of a new analytical reason. People who write these songs are making loads of money. This is because everyone listens to some form of Christmas music. People are out there listening to The Best Of Darth Brooks Christmas, or whatever other style of music they might like. For example, in Math, everyday, we come in to the class, and listen to some great hick Christmas music. I mean, this stuff is great! I can just see this cowboy, with a cowboy hat, and a peice of straw in his mouth, tapping his boots to the beat, singing about the birth of Jesus to his cows. Even cows need a little bit of spiritual music (they're not all rockers, you know). And because people like to listen to Christmas music at this time of year, they will buy any Christmas album that is like the music they usually listen to. There's tons of money to be made in this industry! I think I'm gonna go right now, and write my own Christmas Album, and be rich and famous and powerful, like Dennis Rodman. And if my parents try to stop me, Civil War II.

The Environment: Who Cares?

This week, I was personally responsible for the destruction of an entire acre of rainforest. That's right, I had an English paper due. But before all of you environmentalists write petitions to your Congressperson (who is probably out to "lunch" right now), listen to my explanation first. I had to include about five hundred drafts at the demand of my English teacher. Basically, I'm using the politician's way out, namely, the blame game (which, unfortunately, is not a board or card game). It was Rich's fault! As I sit here and contemplate the wholesale destruction of wildlife and the environment that goes on today, I can't help but laugh. Actually, what I meant was... write a blog about it.

In what ways do people destroy the environment? I'm currently enrolled in a Geology class, and I'm constantly learning about the stupid things that we (but not me) do to degrade the world. For example, we recently learned about the process of New Jersyfication, which is the building of groins (It's not what you're thinking! If you just thought something innappropriate, I suggest you get your mind out of the gutters. I'm not joking. Get up out of your seat, go outside and pick up your stupid mind right now!) out into the ocean (this just goes to show that I do not sleep in Geology, at least not when we're learning about fascinating subjects like New Jersyfication). This keeps sand from traveling down the coast, and makes some parts of the beach erode at a rapid rate, destroying houses. My basic response was, "HAHA, suckers!" and then I realized that this was wreaking havoc on the environment when my conscience (political correctness) kicked in.

Why do people exploit the environment? Money. Money is always the answer to any question outside of Geology field trips (the answers there are "basalts", "Lake Bonneville", "fissures", and the "Sevier Mountain Range Event", in case you ever take the class). In the old days (the days that are no longer "spring chicken", but actually "rotisserie chicken"), industries would just dump their waste (chemical waste, not...) anywhere they wanted. If someone was getting sick, getting cancer, turning into the Hulk, Wolverine, etc., it was their problem. Because the industry wasn't about to waste money on other people or the environment's safety. It's absurd to think otherwise! The Golden Rule, my eye! If there was anything gold about it, people would have stolen it ages ago.

Now a days, people exploit the environment as much as they possibly can without causing some sort of catastrophe like in The Day After Tomorrow, which not only detailed some catastrophes, but was a catastrophe itself. Industries try to make the most money possible. This is why whole forests are cut down to make paper, why the earth is mined until there's nothing there. This is why we try and avoid costly proceedures that only lead to a cleaner earth. Money can explain all of this. It can even explain why I had to write so many drafts for Sir Rich. The more we write, the more sucessful it seems the class is. This explain the length of my blogs. The longer they are, the more "analytical" thought that went into them. Unless you're capable of "analytical" thought yourself; then you know there's nothing much in here.