Integrating the Inappropriate

Today in my Calculus 2 class (slogan: "this time it's not Calculus 1"), we learned about improper integrals. Now, before you start thinking this was some great math drama about an aging single math professor who falls in love with a 30 year old graduate student who writes beautiful integrals, I should tell you it's not that interesting. In fact, it's so boring, I won't even describe what they are. 

However, I do think there are other ways that integrals are improper. Just look at the way integrals are drawn: 

Look at those curves! No wonder math majors have a hard time meeting women; they have unrealistic expectations from working thousands of math problems! The more I thought about these insidious symbol objectifying mathematicians, the more I realized just how pervasive their symb-ography is. Just look at the pi, the most innocent of numbers:

So curvaceous! Think about the toll these unrealistic symbol expectations must take upon the poor sigma sign:

It's time we step up and put an end to the flagrant use of symbolic augmentation and stop these lecherous lecturers. Write all your math using flat symbols. Write your congressperson and make Congress pass a Flat Math Act. Tell them it's sort of like a flat tax. Support members of your family that struggle with math image problems. If all else fails, save yourself the heartbreak, just stop doing math. 

Adding Insult To History

He did it again. So much for being a gracious winner. That's right, last night, Barack Obama rubbed his election over Arizonan senator John McCain in the good senator's face with a second victory. This victory was much more important, because it had far more commercials, which meant a much bigger chance to restart the economy (than $800 billion, I mean). I am, of course, speaking of Obama's actions to win the Super Bowl.

I'm sure this accusation upsets the liberals out there. "He didn't even give the Steelers hope!" and "Change would have been for the Cardinals to win, not the Steelers!" and "He wasn't even playing!" are probably the general arguments. Oh yeah? 

I knew the guy who ran the 100 yard interception return touchdown looked too skinny! 

Mr. President, you should have let the Cardinals win. Everyone knows it's a long standing tradition that the new president lets his opponent's team win the Super Bowl. You get to sign the bill to shut down Guantanamo Bay, and John McCain's Cardinals get to shut down the Steelers. It should be a fair exchange, but you've tipped the scales of justice. Look at what you've done:

That's why I'm calling for Barack Obama to set things right by stepping down from the Presidency and allowing John McCain to take his place. Unlike the Cardinals, who had a long history of losing, Senator McCain had a long history of winning office. But you, Mr. President, have put an end to that history with your own historic election. Now you've gone and won the historic 43th Super Bowl. And that's adding insult to history.