I'm A PC Vampire

Yesterday, I saw Twilight. I'm still not sure why I said "yes" when my dear friend Klarissa called and asked if I wanted to see it at her house. I tried to read the first book over the summer, and I read for about ten minutes (the length of my break from life guarding at the Rec Center) and I determined it was not the book for me. The prologue was painfully cliché, and I couldn't give a darn about Bella's relationship problems with her father. 

I'm happy to report that the movie was much better. First, it was shorter. Second, much of the annoying introspection was replaced with a slightly attractive girl's moody staring. I'd rather watch the slightly attractive than read about them any day. Lastly, the special effects were amazing. 

I'm joking. A two year old probably could have done the editing. 

And an only slightly older child could have written the dialogue. 

That's assuming, of course, that they had learned what a spider monkey was on their kindergarten trip to the zoo. 

There was, however, one thing that I really enjoyed: all the product placements. There was Rainier Beer, and Google Books! Even in the face of stifling juvenility the free market rules supreme! I'll put out my own product placement, one that is bound to make Microsoft rich!

The Green Scare

Nation, it's no secret that I hate St. Patrick's Day. At least, now it isn't. You might ask, "Mark, why would you hate such a great holiday?" The answer is simple. St. Patrick's Day is nothing more than a liberal scheme to make us all accept the 'green' agenda.

Need more proof?

• St. Patrick's Day isn't a federal holiday. It's a social holiday. What else starts with social? Hmm... I don't know, maybe SOCIALISM?

• The pressure for everyone to wear green is violently conformist. It's an attempt to create a green wearing proletariat to topple the dark suit wearing elites of society.

• Shamrock culture glorifies the four leafed clover over the normal three leafed variety. With this 'the more leaves the better' view how long is it before our children begin seeking out a certain seven leafed 'clover' and start smoking it?

• The myths of plump leprechauns and their pots of gold sitting at the end of a rainbow sounds mildly familiar. Like chubby Congressmen with their welfare checks sitting in Washington?

I think there's no doubt now that there is a St. Patty Plight. It's only a short leap from wearing green, to pinching loggers, to leading PETA rallies. There's also no doubt that we need a charismatic visionary to lead the crusade against the Blarney Brethren. Mark McCarthy, perhaps? 

I urge everyone to band together to fight this liberal scheme. Waste an extra piece of paper today just to show them who's in control. Let your car idle while you listen to the end of that song on the radio. Make a GreenList of known (and unknown) liberals. Let's hit 'em while they're smoking shamrocks.

Guest Writer

I've decided to host a guest writer on my blog. This writer is none other than my computer! This week, for a lab in one of my computer classes, we were given the assignment to write a random sentence generator. I did so, and now I'm using it to write my blog. So here it goes (note that I've added punctuation; the program is not totally omniscient):

Nation, I am enraged because I read that snakes had convinced Hitler that hiding in a picture frame is good. I'm even more angry because I saw the Pinko Commies had a scheme to assassinate Pol Pot with a piece of recycled aluminum. I think we need to destroy liberals with an iPod capable of making anger so we can let Stephan Colbert use a guitar to dispel the myth of explosions in the Middle East. I'm calling for us to make Barrack Obama conjugate a million verbs. My computer is so much better than me I want to strangle overgrown kangaroos with a flower pot.

Here are some great lines that my computer generated:

I'm even more angry because I just found out sinful preachers have convinced David S. Carpenter that punching alligators is good.

We need to make Kyler Ludwig conjugate a million verbs.

My computer is like Barrack Obama on steroids.

The liberal media had convinced a guy named Steve that gnawing through a guitar is good.

We need to let Pol Pot kill hamsters so we can unstop the toilet with an iPod capable of hiding in a large pencil.

I just found out women named 'Gina' have been using Richard Nixon's toothbrush to melt the polar ice caps.

Now I think we all know the dangers of letting a computer write humor. It's terrifying that my computer can write all this stuff. It could say anything it wanted to while posing as me. I want you to know that my computer is the best computer in the whole entire world, and if I could, I would make blood sacrifices to it every third Tuesday of the month. I will most definitely be giving it a RAM massage after I'm done writing this.