Thanksgiving, A Good Time For Christmas

Thanksgiving. A wonderful time of the year that we can slow down our lives, when we can stop and think about… Christmas. Because of this, a couple of questions come to my mind. Why do we skip Thanksgiving for Christmas? Why do we skip the grateful, and go straight to the giving ( aka receiving)? Why do eggs explode in the microwave? Now, these questions probably won’t all be answered, but I’m sure that if you looked hard enough, you could find some deep symbolism that would answer the question. If you do, you know you’re an English teacher, and should probably do community service by shooting yourself in the head. I'm just joking, Sir Rich. What would I do with my free time if you weren't there to fill it with assignments? Probably not be writing this, that's for sure!

Obviously, to start this "analytical essay," I need to establish that Thanksgiving is skipped. Many people don't like it. In our diet driven society, Thanksgiving, the day of obesity, is slowly losing its competitive edge in the hard cruel world of holidays, as more and more people are tempted (by none other than Lucifer himself) to try the "tofu turkey. (it's probably a weapon of some sort)" The other day, and this is a verbatim quote that I heard in the halls who's name shall remain secret to protect an innocent from a certain English teacher who might make this person explain where this "synthesis" came from, "Thanksgiving is lame."

Another example of Thanksgiving being skipped occurred this morning. Thanksgiving morning. I went out to get the paper. I almost didn't return. Because, every business you could possibly think of had placed ads in the paper today in preparation for Christmas. I nearly broke my arm trying to lift that thing, and I swim for 3 hours a day, and weight lift every other day! Needless to say, this in itself is a problem, cause I can only imagine how crowded the emergency rooms are going to be today, as countless people go in with broken arms.

Why are all these businesses putting out ads today, for Day After Thanksgiving Sales? Though it may seem that these people are simply trying to inform the public about what's happening in society, let's not kid ourselves. Business people are no where near that altruistic. No, contrary to common belief, businesses aren't losing money on sales. Otherwise, they wouldn't be desperately looking for any excuse to have a sale (I bet there's a 9/11 Sale, Slogan: "Give Us Your Money, It Won't Support The War Effort" or perhaps "Prices Are Falling Just Like The Twin Towers"). Believe it or not, businesses are looking to make money on Christmas, and since this is the biggest buying season of the year, every business is out to be the metaphorical "early bird" that gets the metaphorical "worm." To quote a certain French teacher, the American way is, "be greedy first, give later." Thanksgiving doesn't stand a chance, because there simply isn't enough money to be made on Thanksgiving. Only grocery stores make any money, and as powerful as Smith's (Market Fresh Every Day!) might be, it simply can't stand up to Toy's "ARR, Maties" Us (Exortion Is Fun!).

Another reason I've heard for this senseless skipping of Thanksgiving is the lack of Thanksgiving songs. Sure, I'm certain that many of you are now humming the Adam Sandler Turkey Song, and I'm definitely glad that I'm not hearing it, but there really aren't any other songs. However, I'm not sure that even Thanksgiving Songs would really get the holiday anywhere. Because there really isn't a possiblity of topping Christmas songs, many of which are about the Savior, which are really the only reminder of the true meaning of Christmas. Because, despite any other reason you might come up with for why Christmas dominates Thanksgiving, commercialism is still at the "heart" of the issue. But hey, I say bring it on, cause then we get to see what truly makes this country great, namely, credit cards.

The Long Claw Of The Law, Mocked

This week, the school has been putting on a production of Les Miserables. Though I don't like to toot my own horn, I'm in the Pit Orchestra, playing the clarinet, and literally tooting my horn. Well, actually, it's the school's horn, so I don't really have a problem there. However, as I sit there listening to the same show about five hundred pi hundreths, I have a lot of time to reflect on my life. Well, actually, I lied there too, cause I don't reflect on my life, I just reflect on ways to make fun of other people's lives. But this is besides the point. At one point (and this is the point), Javert, who, for the Les Mis Illiterate, is the psycho cop obsessed with capturing Jean val Jean and wastes 20 years of his life chasing the guy, only to commit suicide (oops, just spoiled the ending). That wasn't actually a sentence, but I thought that since it was such a long appositive (though it was not a positive appositive) I'll restart that sentence. At one point, Javert sings that he "is the law, and the law is not mocked." I'll admit it, it sounded like a personal challenge, or some sort of bet. So basically, I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I really just have to prove that I am the best (like I have to even try to prove that!). But first, for those of you who were wondering, yes, Les Mis does have the obligatory part where the two love birds sing a cheesy duet on opposite sides of the stage. That basically is a law, and I just mocked it.

Where to begin? Well, first, I would like to state that this will not be an analysis of stupid laws. There are already too many books about that, based on the laws of small towns with populations that could probably be counted on your fingers. And if they're really big, with your toes too. These books are also based on the fact that none of the laws they write about are enforced. The reason I refuse to write like these books is because I will have more than enough to make fun of if I simply look at the law as a whole. And also because individual laws would require actual research and analysis, which would probably be against my professional (that's a joke!) ethics. And would also require me to stay up past my bedtime writing this. (Mr. Rich, I realize that this says that I wrote this on Sunday at 1:43 PM like all the rest of my blogs, but it was actually written the Friday before, at about ten. I simply like to cheat against myself.)

Almost every society has a code of laws. Why is this? This is because people love rules. Rules are basically the favorite activity of the people making them. Your parents make rules, your teachers make rules, your religious leaders make rules, and so does anyone else that has power over you. I am just being facetious. Actually, for Mr. Rich's sake, I was being facetious in saying that I was being facetious. Anyways, laws are actually to set guidelines for proper conduct in society. They keep the metaphorical machine of society well greased with the metaphorical engine oil of not doing things you want to do. Imagine if there weren't laws against public nudity. It would be like the old men in the locker room everywhere! Imagine if it was alright to kill someone else. Imagine if it were alright for you to stick a knife in the annoying kid who sits next to you in English. That would, although violence is highly popular in our society, be, to put it poetically, bad. So, laws are there to keep people in line. If everyone follows the laws, everyone would be just great, and there would be no need to sue anyone. Which would probably be against some sort of Constitutional Ammendment prohibiting lawyers not having jobs. Cause whenever you have the law, people always love to add a "y-e-r" to it to create, you guessed it, unless you are unable to spell, lawyers.

The second aspect of law is its creation. This generally occurs because of some sort of legislative body. Why do we have legislative bodies? Isn't the constitution of the country enough? Don't these questions really create a facade of analytical thought? Well, to answer these questions, the legislative bodies are there to help small minority interest groups (though they deny it) and also so there can be corrupt lobbyists. No, actually, contrary to common belief, legislative groups have a purpose. That purpose is to create laws to keep up with modern trends that founders of countries could never have forseen. These legislative groups can be highly productive. Given my Taiwanese patriotism, I would have to say that the Taiwanese Parliament is the greatest of these groups. On the account that, while the British may get to call each other mean names, the Taiwanese can actually participate in violence. Can't you imagine just how productive it would be if members of Congress would hit each other? That would be great! Instead of wasting tax payer money on "conventions" in nice places (Disneyland, the Carribean, and other places really conducive to legislative work in the form of good food and entertainment), they would waste it on medical treatment! And, for the sake of throwing a curveball, I'm going to write a four paragraph essay (well, I already have) to make Mr. Rich happy that it wasn't a five paragraph one, which shows some creativity in the form of wanting to go to bed. Cause I think I've mocked the law enough. Javert, you owe me five bucks.

Aw, Quote This!

This week, while I was on a geology field trip, we spent many long hours in the bus. Now, this is Utah, so there were no people in the back making out. Actually, this was because there were no cute girls who... nevermind. But there was an obnoxious kid a couple of rows up that kept trying to be funny, and make me and my friend laugh. He failed miserably. His methods were worthless. As I sat in the bus, trying to block out the noise of his voice quoting various movies and humorous websites, I found myself visualizing different ways that I could make him die a horrible, painful, ignominious death. Actually, I suddenly realized that I could write a blog about him in which I would make fun of him, thus extracting revenge, AND also receive credit for it if I added some "analytical" tidbits. This is what I call killing two metaphorical birds with one metaphorical stone. Literally, the extent to which killing two birds with one stone is possible is debatable. So, in using that story, I have set the stage for this blog, in which I will analyze the culture of quoting things, or, as I call it, Bonsteel Syndrome. It will be completely sincere, in the same way that I am when I refer to the person grading these as, "O Captain, My Captain" or Sir Richie. The Third.

What causes this senseless quoting in our society? Well, as you could probably guess, there are several reasons. As you could probably also guess, I will be covering a few of them, because there are simply too many to be feasibly written about, and I also don't want to have to make up more than three. The first reason is that people are trying to be funny. This is the biggest load of bull larkey (Essay Question: What is "bull larkey?" What are its sociopolitcal and economic effects in Mozambique?) I have heard in a long time. The kid I referred to before, the one with Bonsteel Syndrome, was trying to be funny, but really wasn't. The simple reality is that it's never as funny the second time. Or quite frankly, it's not funny the thousandth time either, which is a fact that many find hard to grasp. So STOP QUOTING NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!!! Sorry. That just makes me so angry that I have to write in caps, making that statement jump out of the page (but not literally). And yet, though this is the case, we still have many (dare I say it, nerds) who quote movies, trying to recapture some of the glory of the original, desperate for attention, for laughs, for popularity, and for Phil McPherson in their fourth period class to stop giving them swirlies in the school toilets.

The second reason is because we are taught all our lives in school that quoting is the good thing to do. This reason will be divided into two sections to give me my "three reasons." The first is the reason that English teachers give you. That the quotes capture the true feelings of the author and prove that you actually read the book. However, many online study guides include an "Important Quotations" section, which really rules out the second reason. But this blogger declares on the record, and would do so in front of "O Captain My Captain," that he would never participate in such clandestine online study guiding. At least without reading the book first, and not having any clue what illegal substance the author was on when the book was written.

The "third" reason is the one that science teachers and history teachers give you. Quotes lend credibility. This also really doesn't make perfect sense. You could quote anyone, perhaps get a quote from any obscure bum on the streets. You history and science teachers are all leaning back in your seats and chuckling, grinning and murmuring to yourselves, "Ohoho, that's where you're wrong." Because, the credibility of a quote relies on the credibility of the person quoted. You need someone respected in politics, someone who's written in several academic journals you would refuse to read at gunpoint, someone who is not the custodian at your school. However, this is balderdash (The British version of "bull larkey"). For example, I could quote Hugo Chavez, and say that George "W." Bush "is the devil," but this would not necessarily render "W." worthy of the honor. Also, there are always academics on the edge of insanity (they call it being "avant garde") that you could quote. For example, on November 4, 2006, the Daily Herald newspaper printed a story about a professor at Idaho State University who is convinced that Big Foot exists, and has collected numerous footprints. A fellow professor can be quoted as saying, "It's embarrassing."

There you have it. Three good analytical reasons for quoting. And I'll be totally honest with you, I think they're pretty analytical. There so analytical they deserve full credit, but only if Sir Rich, the King of Commas, Guardian of Grammar, Lord of Literature really feels that they would, in his honest opinion, based on his infinite wisdom, merit full credit. If he would, in his mercy, bestow a full grade upon me, his humble servant, I would be very grateful. I would probably actually read books for fun. That way, I could, to quote the great man himself, who actually said this based on personal experience (This isn't confirmed, but in light of his interests, which are, undoubtedly, when considering the magnitude of the personality of his person... interesting interests (grammar), it's a logical inference) "Read to know I'm not alone."

Tamagotchi: Japanese For Stupid Fad

Lately, as in today, I've been thinking about fads. Basically, this whole thing came on because I saw some girl wearing a Pokémon shirt. It grossed me out. Ok, so I'll be honest. It took me back to a time when I still believed in Santa Claus (on the record), when I didn't understand what was going on in politics (Clinton and... you get the picture), when I wasn't expected to write these stupid blogs every week, when there were still 150 of those little guys, and only three games. As opposed to the roughly 186,282 Pokémon. Wait, that was the speed of light. I get so confused with all the random bits of data they cram into my head in school. Back when there were only the Red, Blue, and Yellow Versions, as opposed to every pretty much every color you could think of. What made Pokémon so much more incredibly popular than other wannabes like Yu-Gi-Oh (More like Yu-Gi-NO!!!)? Quite frankly, I'm not sure. But to make this sound analytical, so I can get credit, I'll say it was due to the fact that the game was just the right balance of cute and "cool" monsters, difficulty without being incomprehensible (seriously, who understands Magic?), and dumb luck. And so, at this point, with no prior planning, I have decided to talk about virtual (and not so virtual) pet fads.

Another thing that was huge was the Tamagotchi. I won't try to lie to you, Tamagotchi is the top item on my Christmas List I'm mailing in a week (If you think I'm jumping the gun, go look at Toys "Nothing For Less Than One Grand" R Us's Christmas catalog from two weeks ago). I loved my Tamagotchi! It was so adorable how that little pixelly guy would kind of slide across the screen, making virtual happy faces and feces (one letter difference, and it makes a huge difference!). I remember how, being a good student, I would leave my Tamagotchi with my mom when I went to school, with express directions to feed it at least once every hour, and to make sure that the thing wasn't drowning in pixel poop. According to Wikipedia (which is slowly taking over the world), "Tamagotchi" is a combination "the Japanese word for egg ("tamago") and the syllable "chi" which denotes affection, so it could be taken to mean "loveable egg". It is also a pun on both "wotchi" (borrowed from English "watch", as in the time piece) and "tomodachi" (Japanese for friend)." Obviously, because the product was sold in America, it was important to make this little pun in Japanese. So, what precisely made these little guys so popular? Mostly because they're "pets" in every sense of the word, except they don't throw up in the middle of the living room, spit hairballs, bark at everyone (though that would be a cool feature), etc. So maybe they're just pets without all the gross parts. Plus the little guys were really cute, and it just made you all warm and fuzzy inside when it made a smiley face at you, much akin to the feeling you get whenever you watch a car blow up in a movie or video game.

In order to get a better idea of the "big picture" of pet fads, we have to take a journey back to the '70's, the time of bell bottoms and hair parted down the middle. Back then, as my dad tells me when he happens to get nostalgic, people used to have "pet rocks." I can't imagine a time when this could have happened. Millions of the rocks were sold in their little "pet rock carrying cases" nestled in a bed of straw, with the manual of how to train and raise these pet rocks. Though the originals had no features, they eventually got animal features painted on them, which clearly made them worth the four bucks they cost. You're probably sitting here and thinking that the people of the era must have been idiots, and you're probably right. But this was right after the US had just lost the Vietnam War. People needed something to cheer them up, and that wasn't a pet that was capable and very willing to make the wee wee of joy on the carpet. So, everyone rushed out and bought these rocks, making their creator an instant millionare, on account of the fact that he was making a several hundred percent profit.

And so, looking back on these examples, I will now attempt to make some sort of connection between them, for a really "analytical" finish. The similarity between these fads is, but not limited to, except during Day Lights Saving Time, and when before a word starting with a vowel, that in conjunction with each other, these fads, which commonly gain widespread popularity, are all characterized by the way they quickly died out. Ok. So that wasn't a real reason, but was just really restating the definition of a fad with added commentary (also known as "verbiage"). So I'll make up a real reason. And here it is, what I've got over good old Webster. Looking back on them, all these fads seem really stupid. They make you slap your hand to your forehead and exclaim, "What a bunch of morons!" But trust me, within a year or so, the store shelves will be lined with toilet paper roll weiner dogs. And you will be buying them.