I haven't posted in forever, but I think really need to start again, so I'll post the funny essay thing I was supposed to write for English.

Butterflies

A butterfly is an insect of the order Lepidoptera. Like all Lepidoptera, butterflies are notable for their unusual life cycle with a larval caterpillar stage, an inactive pupal stage, and a spectacular metamorphosis into a familiar and colourful winged adult form. Most species are day-flying so they regularly attract attention. The diverse patterns formed by their brightly--

Shoot. I seem to have inserted my biology homework (I did that in class too. You would not believe the look from the English teacher when he thought that was my "funny essay."). Here goes for real:

MV Speed Bump Mauls Small Child

OREM, UT- A small child was attacked by a gigantic speed bump in the Mountain View parking lot, authorities stated Thursday night. According to local residents, the speed bumps frequently claw at the bottom of cars that travel over them, and the scattered carcasses of vehicles are strewn all over them. 

Apparently they’ve developed at taste for human flesh. 

Little Timmy Tompkins told police he was walking unattended through the parking lot late Thursday afternoon when one of the speed bumps reared up and attempted to devour him. As chilling evidence to his story, Timmy’s face was scratched, and so were his elbows and knees.

“He’s lucky the speed bumps are not yet fully matured,” declared Paul Pylon, a speed bump scientist at the Utah Institute of Fictional Biology. “They can grow up to three feet tall,” he further elaborated. 

“It was more than big enough, and it’s a menace!” screamed an irate Ira Irking, spokeswoman for the Mothers Against Driving Dangers (MADD). Already, the speed bumps are visible on Google Earth (motto: “Proudly Helping Students Find Their Teachers’ Houses Since 2005). 

“We anticipate being able to see the speed bumps from space with our naked eyes in the near future,” confided Jack “Buzz Lightyear” Jackson, the first astronaut to successfully complete the suited orbit of the flagpole outside Mountain View, and who has seen the devastating effects of the speed bumps firsthand. “These are majestic creatures, really quite magnificent,” he continued. “Though I’d have to admit I wouldn’t want one stuck down my shorts.”

Though little Tompkins was attacked by a speed bump, it was only one of the two species that make Mountain View their home. The parking lot is also the habitat for speed humps, the smaller relative of the speed bump in the Asphaltus family. The police found the humps in the north side of the parking lot. 

“They are much less vicious than the bumps,” stated Pylon, who is very eager to get his fictional research into the scientific mainstream, where he can receive federal grant money. All presidential candidates have declined to comment on their position on “bump and hump research” for this article.

In fact, there is an even smaller species, called the speed lump, which is used to slow Hot Wheels Cars. The CEO of Fantastical Sounding Imaginary Biological Products, Inc. was unavailable for comment, but products from the company are expected to hit WalMart shelves early 2009, as are computers, livestock, and tactical nuclear weapons. WalMart representatives were also unavailable for comment, though an “associate” stated that he was sure WalMart sold comments at “rolled back prices.”

Timmy Tompkins is in good condition, and is expected to make a full recovery after his encounter with the speed bump. Until bump conditions in the parking lot improve, police advise throwing steaks to the speed bumps when walking past to appease them.

“You can also push a friend towards the speed bump to distract them,” Pylon cheerfully observed. “If you don’t have a friend, push a teacher.” –Mark Siebert, The Daily Fiction News