Earth Day: We've Finally Got Those Tree Hugging Dastards On The Run

Nation, it's no secret that I start off a large number of my blogs these days with the phrase "Nation, it's no secret that..." It's also no secret that I hate the environment. That's why I was so happy to see today was "Earth Day." I can only guess that, like "VE Day," this means we've finally won the war on the environment. To celebrate, I cleaned the house this morning, using cleaning appliances like the vacuum cleaner and the dishwasher to enlarge my carbon footprint (bigger IS ALWAYS better).

There are a number of arguments for saving the planet; all of them are stupid. I will take time to debunk one of them, mostly because I want to use the energy in my laptop battery:

Nation, there's been a whole lot of talk about preserving the planet for future generations. This smacks of age discrimination (I'd like to smack everyone making this argument). Sacrificing quality of this generation to better the lives of younger generations? (it stands to reason that unborn generations are younger than this one) Classic age discrimination. Already our quality of life has diminished from that of the height of the Industrial Revolution (sort of like the French Revolution, except trees lost their heads). We are no longer allowed to dump industrial waste into clean waters, or release harmful pollutants into the air. It's clear that our "Constitutional" rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness have been infringed upon. 

Nation, I demand that we, as the Siebert Nation (pronouced "See-bear") take the planet in the stranglehold of democracy. Send a letter to your Congressperson. Send several letters. The more trees we cut down, the more they'll get the point. Refuse to recycle. If it's not new, it belongs in a museum or a dump. I think I've made myself very clear here. More clear than our "Clean-Water-Act-Mandated-Cialis-And-Various-Other-Pharmecutical-Laced-Municipally-Cleaned-Water." Happy Earth Day Nation, we've finally got the tree huggers on the run.

Shattered

Nation, I'm a broken man. To be honest, I don't even feel like a broken man, I feel more like a broken nothing. I used to believe in love, but now, I see that, like Santa Claus, it was nothing more than a way to sell Coca-Cola. 

Someone very dear to me stomped on my heart. Or rather, she chomped on it.

Yesterday, I decided to make peace, and I decided to make a token of our friendship and my forgiveness for her putting up those terrible posters. I spent days agonizing over the perfect symbol. It had to be something amazing, and yet be meaningful. Finally, I hit upon the perfect idea, something that would endure the test of time:

I thought that finally, things would be alright between us.

Sadly, today when I opened the door, I found the shatter remnants of my gift:

Nation, I'm crushed. Nothing can console me but a half gallon of vanilla ice cream. I now know it's too much to ask to be understood and accepted. My tears run into my ice cream and make it taste terrible, a bitter reminder of my pain. But I eat on, sadly devouring the ice cream like she devoured my love for her. I hope it tasted as bad as my ice cream does.

Magnet School

I've created science. I know this a bold claim to make, but I feel that in this instance I am justified. Today, I conducted an experiment on my dog that has rather important implications. Where Pavlov made his dogs salivate, I made my dog produce a liquid of a different sort. 

Perhaps I should step back and explain myself. With Grandma out of the house, our dog Floppy has been looking rather depressed. I had heard that victims of serious depression could be treated with electroshock therapy. I concluded that it stood to reason that a magnet could possibly produce the same effect. I decided to proceed with a process I called "recalibrating the dog." 

I held two medium powered magnets to either side of Floppy's head. I could see no immediate difference. Suddenly, Floppy moved aside, and I saw a small puddle beneath him. Yes, the magnets had relaxed his poor depressed brain so much that he had lost momentary control of his bladder!

I can already see far reaching effects of this discovery:

• I already know my computer would be relaxed by a magnet. It might be so relaxed that it would lose control of its Arithmetic Logic Unit. 
• Barrack Obama has been criticized for being too attached to his teleprompters. Perhaps holding magnets to his head would help him relax enough to say what he really feels. ("Uh... I need to change my pants. And... uh... that's change you can believe in.")
• Economists everywhere could quickly be converted from their doomsday messages with a couple of magnets around their ears. They could also stimulate the economy when they need to dry clean their soiled pants.

I would go on, but the magnets have gone straight to my head and my pants are getting cold and damp.