Magnet School

I've created science. I know this a bold claim to make, but I feel that in this instance I am justified. Today, I conducted an experiment on my dog that has rather important implications. Where Pavlov made his dogs salivate, I made my dog produce a liquid of a different sort. 

Perhaps I should step back and explain myself. With Grandma out of the house, our dog Floppy has been looking rather depressed. I had heard that victims of serious depression could be treated with electroshock therapy. I concluded that it stood to reason that a magnet could possibly produce the same effect. I decided to proceed with a process I called "recalibrating the dog." 

I held two medium powered magnets to either side of Floppy's head. I could see no immediate difference. Suddenly, Floppy moved aside, and I saw a small puddle beneath him. Yes, the magnets had relaxed his poor depressed brain so much that he had lost momentary control of his bladder!

I can already see far reaching effects of this discovery:

• I already know my computer would be relaxed by a magnet. It might be so relaxed that it would lose control of its Arithmetic Logic Unit. 
• Barrack Obama has been criticized for being too attached to his teleprompters. Perhaps holding magnets to his head would help him relax enough to say what he really feels. ("Uh... I need to change my pants. And... uh... that's change you can believe in.")
• Economists everywhere could quickly be converted from their doomsday messages with a couple of magnets around their ears. They could also stimulate the economy when they need to dry clean their soiled pants.

I would go on, but the magnets have gone straight to my head and my pants are getting cold and damp.