The Language Of Love: Apparently I Can't Speak It

I'm taking French. I'll come out in the open and admit it. For the most part, I excel in the class. But for some reason, when I try and put the words into speech, they instantly identify me as an American. And then I'll get flustered and thinking hard about not speaking in English, start to speak Chinese. This is why, partially, I will be examining the reasons for why French is so hard in order to overcome this problem. I will also be analyzing because of Sir Rich. I will attempt to enlighten my dogmatic "blue-black" paradigm to become a philosopher, a true student of Richism (+20 for "so good" use of Rich-y Words). I've compiled a list (French for "a couple of paragraphs) of reasons why French is so hard:

1. It is illegal to pronounce the last part of any word. For example, if the word "word" were a French word, it would be spelled "wordsupercalifragilisticexpialidocious." Obviously, this is not a very efficient way of spelling things. This is why the French do NOT lead the world in industrial strength. The only two products that the French are known for are made slowly; wine and cheese are both "aged."

2. However, when it comes to speaking, the French are VERY efficient. They slur words together, and sometimes use just the first letter of a word to combine two words into a pronunciation nightmare comparable to the H-Bomb. Though conspiracy buffs might make a conspiracy from this information (imagine that!), I will try and make a logical coherent argument for the reason: they don't want to spend time talking. Instead, it will be used for the national French pastime, namely, staring out café windows, forlornly smoking.

3. Feminine and masculine words. France is a nation where gender equality stands no chance. Marie-Ségolène Royal stands no chance in the French presidential election. They have "Le Président," not "La Présidente." In fact, the only thing they really seem to agree on is that both female and male sexists are "sexistes." That's ironic (+20 for insightful "commentary").

Well, there you have it. Three reasons. I chose three because for some reason, it confers automatic credibility, which is why teachers teach the five paragraph essay. Remember these three reasons if for any reason you ever attempt to learn French.

Unless you're French, that is. In that case, I think you guys are just fantasticpneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!!!

The Microphone Mentality

Joe. As if that weren't a bad enough name for a bus driver, he had a microphone. Throughout band tour this week, I constantly wished that I had thought to bring earplugs. His lame jokes, bad enough as they were, penetrated my head, the sound waves creating fissures in my skull. It seemed impossible for this guy to use a microphone at a sensible volume. No, his weapons grade bad jokes exploded in the bus at upwards of a thousand decibels. But this isn't an isolated event. In all the music videos, band members practically eat the microphones. I'm not sure exactly why (bonus points for a semi colon); maybe they're trying to get their iron supplement. I find myself struggling to keep my mouth away from the microphone, and only do so by imagining the last guy who salivated all over it.

Why do people have to be so loud in microphones? It comes from a basic human desire to be bigger than they are. This really explains Americans. Just joking! Sort of! Not that kind of bigger! People seek to be louder, easier to notice, more likely to date a famous actor or actress, etc. This is why, when given a microphone, the average quiet, mildmannered person will suddenly be transformed into a banshee. This is what motivates people to do backflips, because the average person, though rational, will not scream, "You're suicidal!" They will scream, "Dude, you rock because you are willing to risk breaking your neck!" This is what motivates people to write blogs, in hopes that someone will comment, and make them feel loved, or at least sucked up to. This is why I'm ending this blog right now. Actually, it has nothing to do with ending the blog, but Im just really eager to go play guitar.

This Is A Long (Lawn) One

Spring. It's a wonderful time. A time to enjoy the good things of life. The cool breeze. The flowers. The sound of a lawn mower. There's always at least one person in a neighborhood who seems to think it's important to be mowing their lawn at seven a.m. on Saturday morning. What causes our obsession with lawns? Why do we cultivate a weed in uniformity in front of our houses? Why is that weed, when artificially hacked to a certain length, considered aesthetic? Why do we even care? Because analysis is the first step to getting full credit in English... I mean... the solution.

At one point in time, lawns were not the social norm. People had dirt in front of their homes, or might have planted useful plants. But in the 1800's, a certain Edwin Budding invented the lawn mower, presumably to cut his hair (needless to say, he did not look very good for a couple of months). By the early nineteen hundreds, the USDA and the US Golf Association were gathering in secret government labs to try and see who could spit a watermelon seed the farthest. Wait. I must have read Wikipedia wrong. I meant to say that they were trying to create the ultimate grass type. Naturally, they settled on marijuana. Just joking! Sort of! (You thought Bill Jeff-"erson" Clinton just talked that way cause of his accent) And thus began the modern obsession with lawns. Lawns now constitute the largest irrigated crop in the country, and they can't be eaten, or, usually, smoked!

Society praises those with the best lawns. Gunfights start on the basis of lawns (I once knew a guy who would fly out of his door and yell at us if we stepped on his lawn. He was probably about to shoot us. Naturally, we dared each other to touch it during the long summer days. Nothing like a little bit of blood to excite a boring 21st century day.). Lehi High (We're not sure if this is a reference to the perfect "grass" either) is going to get a new million dollar football field. Their school gets nothing. Why is this? Well, naturally, because the football field is covered in grass! We collectively spray billions of dollars worth of fertilizers and pesticides on our lawns. And then these get into the water supply, creating mutant frogs, which then get dumb books written about them, which get converted into boring documentaries, and, if someone really evil happens to be around, educational video games! Not to mention it probably, like pretty much everything and everyone else except for Al Gore, fosters global warming, which could be catastrophic, except for the fact that the temperature has only gone up .7 degrees Fahrenheit in the last century and a half.

Naturally, I don't approve of lawns. I mean, how could I possibly, considering the fact that the mowers wake me up on Saturday morning, and even force me outside to use one sometimes? It's disgusting that our society has become enslaved by a plant! I say we boycott lawns! I say we rip them out and put concrete in in their places! Or at the very least, huge trampolines! I say we end our slavery to our grass masters once and for all! I say I never have to mow the lawn again! I say no one mows their lawn ever again! So STOP WAKING ME UP ON SATURDAY MORNING!

Talking With My Peeps

Easter. It's a time when we can relax, remember the Savior, and eat ham. Luckily (If this word, in conjunction with the last sentence, and the sentence coming up offend you, please omit it), that's not all. Easter could also be called Peep Day. Peeps, those wonderful sugar coated marshmallows, really are a symbol of America. They combine the great American pastimes: (Mr. Rich, I get extra points for use of a colon, right?) eating, commercialism, sugar and fat into one lovely animal shaped food. Everyone loves Peeps. Those who don't are Commies. Unless you're a person who doesn't like Peeps whose name also happens to be Sir Rich. Then you are "Captain, my Captain."

Why are Peeps so great anyways? It has to be the nostalgic feel we get from them. Peeps, a simplistic name for a product, appeal to rural values of times gone by in this world where products are named after puns, fictional people, and "futuristic" made up words. Their shapes, ducks and bunnies, remind us of a time when the times we saw these animals were not limited only to their crude representations on foods (and as mascots). Then we swallow them.

BEEP!!! THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY PUBLIC BROADCASTING SYSTEM. Please phoneticize that sound it makes for me.

That other paragraph gave sappy reasons for why people like Peeps. The type of answers you might expect a Congressman or some other public image caring person might give. No, if you want to see the real reason people like Peeps, maybe you should see one of those congresspeople on Peeps (Howard Dean). Yes, Peeps are a safe clean alternative to traditional drugs, where you could get a bad batch and die. We don't get "Taco Bell Situations" with Peeps. No rats went into the making of your Peeps. So relax, sit back and take a bite of your Peep. But make sure you finish reading this first, because you won't be in a position to read after the sugar hits your system. You'll be out making speeches like Howard Dean's "I Have A Scream" speech (joke found on Wikipedia, I refuse to plagiarize something as great as Wikipedia). But for now, we're not only going to eat dinner, we're going to do homework, and then we're going to Rich's room to take our lives back! BYAAH!!!