The Microphone Mentality

Joe. As if that weren't a bad enough name for a bus driver, he had a microphone. Throughout band tour this week, I constantly wished that I had thought to bring earplugs. His lame jokes, bad enough as they were, penetrated my head, the sound waves creating fissures in my skull. It seemed impossible for this guy to use a microphone at a sensible volume. No, his weapons grade bad jokes exploded in the bus at upwards of a thousand decibels. But this isn't an isolated event. In all the music videos, band members practically eat the microphones. I'm not sure exactly why (bonus points for a semi colon); maybe they're trying to get their iron supplement. I find myself struggling to keep my mouth away from the microphone, and only do so by imagining the last guy who salivated all over it.

Why do people have to be so loud in microphones? It comes from a basic human desire to be bigger than they are. This really explains Americans. Just joking! Sort of! Not that kind of bigger! People seek to be louder, easier to notice, more likely to date a famous actor or actress, etc. This is why, when given a microphone, the average quiet, mildmannered person will suddenly be transformed into a banshee. This is what motivates people to do backflips, because the average person, though rational, will not scream, "You're suicidal!" They will scream, "Dude, you rock because you are willing to risk breaking your neck!" This is what motivates people to write blogs, in hopes that someone will comment, and make them feel loved, or at least sucked up to. This is why I'm ending this blog right now. Actually, it has nothing to do with ending the blog, but Im just really eager to go play guitar.