Mispelling

Over UEA weekend (you can tell I'm desperate for a topic because of how long ago this happened), I drove by Lakeridge Junior High. What I saw on their announcement board shocked me. It boldly stated that there was, "No Skool." Quite frankly, I thought that that word was one that we learned in first grade, under that category of words that we would all learn to hate. And yet, at this institution of education, the school misspelled itself. Within the analytical part of my mind, which had by then experienced an "awakening" in the form of metaphorical caffeine (analytical paragraphs I did and then forgot about) prescibed by Dr. Rich, I pondered, "how is this type of misspelling possible?" And then I realized that I was supposed to be watching the road, the caffeine wore off, and I forgot about the experience until my mind was "awakened" by another metaphorical drug I call "last minute blog panic."

One thing that has led to the culture of misspelling that we live in is instant and text messaging. Wait... that was two things... but this is about spelling, not math! The degree of misspelling in an instant message or text message is often referred to as the "text"-ure. Seriously, though, spelling is thrown out the window, quite possibly literally, in these forms of communication. They rely heavily on spelling things "phonetically," which is just another way of saying, "in as few letters as possible". A couple of examples of this are substituting "u" for "you" and "r" for "are." Another aspect of this form of communication is the use of acronyms that no one but the person who uses them understands, with examples like "btw" for "by the way," "brb" for "be right back," and "ATP" for "adenosine triphosphate." And my personal favorite, "DNA", "Dynamic Nuclear Accelerators." Needless to say, these incomprehensible forms of communication not only make no sense, but are also really fun to mock. No, I meant to say, have a large impact on the ability of people to spell correctly.

Another problem with misspelling is those darn Brits. I mean, another problem that creates spelling errors stems from the beliefs of our British brethren. These people are whack jobs. I mean, these, our brethren, and sistern, are misguided individuals who love to misspell things. The first example of this is the "'re' not 'er'" rule. This results in words, or misspellings, like "centre," metre", and "Petre." Another example is the "unnecessary 'e' rule." This rule involves putting 'e's in random places where they don't belong, like "towne." Combinations of these rules could create rather unfortunate misspellings of mass proportions, such as, "towne centre." I can only imagine what a terrorist could do with one of those rules. "Everybody freeze, or I'll add an unnecessary 'e' to your mom!" Actually, I believe that these rules of misspelling actually came from the American Revolution. In an attempt to render their communications incomprehensible to the traitors, who we fondly refer to as "patriots", the British soldiers, who we fondly refer to as "lobsterbacks," devised a new form of code, not unlike modern Pig Latin, which involved rearranging words ending in "re" and adding "e"'s to everything they could think of. This new system was highly effective, and still confuses people to this day.

As we can see from this highly informative essay (that's a joke!), this is a very real problem which must be solved if we don't wish to go back to the Dark Ages, where NO ONE knew how to spell. This might have been because the Dark Ages were too dark to see, and they just randomly scribbled, but I think that the main reason was that people made up the stuff. This resulted in strange spellings of things like, "Todaye Brothre Josef fel intu the toylet. I rekwestd that he tayke a bathe." Imagine the mass turmoil and pandemonium that would ensue from such a situation! Wouldn't that be great?! I mean, this is a very real problem that we must solve. And what is the solution to this problem? How should I know? I'm just the guy who points out the problems of society, and irresponsibly does nothing with the knowledge of these problems, who is also exempt from all these problems, because he is perfecte. I g2g.

No Adult Left Behind

Yesterday, I participated in the swim meet against Lehi and Pleasant Grove. When I swam my 500 yard freestyle, a race that involves 20 25 yard laps, I finished third, about two seconds after the fastest time. After the "congratulating complete strangers on a good job" phase of the race, the lady who was timing for my lane told me that I still had another two laps to swim. This didn't make much sense to me, but I swam them anyways. Later, it turned out that I had simply swam an extra 50 yards. This raises a question in my mind: Why in the world did the lady think I still had more to swim? Perhaps this was because she miscounted, and only counted 18 laps, rather 20, which was a mistake I was totally understanding of, despite the facts that there were people counting the laps on the other side of the pool, that I had personally counted 20, and that I was never passed by the other guys who had finished at about the same time I did, and who had consequently also counted to 20.

Jim Noorlander, Constitution Party Congressional Candidate for Utah's 3rd district, stated that "the number one problem... is what's being taught, and how it's being taught" in a recent debate. Not only does using this quote in this blog add "credibility" and "a professional feel", but it also raises the idea that perhaps the problem extends beyond this to include who is being taught! The federal government has, using the 'elastic clause' (which actually has nothing to do with elastics, rubberbands, etc.) as justification, instituted a program called No Child Left Behind. In this program, EVERY child must pass standardized tests designed to be passable by the average student. Who has happened to receive a labotomy. Perhaps, given the outstanding success rate of this program, adults should get their own program. No Adult Left Behind. There are numerous benefits from this sort of a program, including, but not limited to, adults of voting age suddenly realizing what a drag the tests are, and then not voting against them, in a classic display of the voter apathy that makes this country so great.

However, required education has been in place for so long that there is no reason that all adults should have received at least a rudimentary education in the American tradition of memorizing useless bits of data. So, what is to blame for the degeneration of the adult mind? An obvious answer would use television as a scapegoat. And so, to avoid further thought, this blog will do exactly that. Television is to blame!!! Though this statement is strong, it still needs concrete detail to back it up, preferably in the form of made up statistical data. However, this blogger is too lazy to look up any real data, so he will be forgoing the statistics. Instead, there will be an inflamatory remark that will get people so riled up that they won't notice that I am dodging the concrete detail requirement. Television plays off basic human instincts to keep the morons who watch it from consciously making decisions that might possibly involve pushing the power button!!! That's right. Morons. Morons who just got too angry to look for concrete details. It keeps viewers interested with sensationalism and sex for long enough for advertisers to use the thoughtless stupor created to guide viewers into buying their products. News shows pretend to be objective while forcing their ideals upon the viewers who unthinkingly accept them as objective fact. Without use, not unlike muscles, the brain molders, and this leads to the degeneration of the adult mind. Quite frankly, this trend is alarming and wrong. A democratic society cannot rely on thoughtless voters. And I cannot rely on thoughtless timers.

Heroic Herberts Moved

To whom it may concern (and to those it won't concern, too),

The Adventures of Heroic Herbert have been moved to a new blog! The new blog is heroic-herbert.blogspot.com . I hope that all you loyal readers will continue to read weekly, as otherwise, I'm pretty much wasting my time.

On a side note, I've also created a blog that mocks things that I see around town, hear on TV, or see in commercials in short paragraphs. If the mocking done in Heroic Herbert and The Waterlogged Blog isn't enough for you, visit random-mocking.blogspot.com . Or just use the links on this blog to get to either blog.

Thanks for your time and readership,
The Chlorine Addict

Red Light, Green Light... Yellow Light?

What cherished aspect of society should I ruthlessly mock today? Who's favorite tradition should I rip apart with no regard for others' feelings? Well, you guessed it (or more likely, you didn't), today I will be "analyzing" the culture of yellow lights. Now, a small child from a third world country probably wouldn't understand why this is such a big deal, but this is America, land of consumerism and WalMart, where you sit back in your plush chair and think, "This is such a good topic to discuss!" But only if you're a sycophant. Otherwise, you're thinking, "What a moron!"

So what exactly makes yellow lights such a controversial subject? Perhaps it is because of the many different definitions of "yellow light" in the community. The Utah Driver's Handbook (Utah Driver's Bible) states that a yellow light tells drivers to "clear the intersection." Definitions of "yellow light" range from this to the commonly held belief that "if it turns yellow, speed up!" The other day, when I was with a person, who will remain unnamed to protect a "not so innocent" from the law, a light turned yellow about 40 feet away from us. Instead of slowing down to a stop, this individual decided to go about 100 miles over the speed limit, so that we could get into the intersection. Needless to say, he, I mean, this person, ran a red light. However, I'm sure that if I had asked, the response would be, "Well, an inch of my bumper was in the intersection before the light turned red!" What could drive (literally drive, haha... I'll just stop) a person to do such a thing? One word: Impatience.

Webster's Dictionary defines "impatience" as "a lack of patience". This bit of information was not only useless, but was also easily contrived from the fact that "impatience" is simply "patience" with an "im" in front of it. However, it provides the vital function of filling space. There is a common saying that goes along the lines of, "He who first smelt it, dealt it." Wait no! That was "Patience is a virtue!" However, American society seems to be shunning this and other virtues (ex. Foley, and his discarding of virtues like chastity, morality, "not being like Micheal Jackson"). Everything has to be done quicker, and if at all possible, instantaneously. Like Little Caesar's pizza's "hot and ready to go" pizzas, which only go to further the impatience crisis. This impatience is creeping into our society and infecting people with the "yellow light mentality" and will probably eventually begin showing up in sayings of its own. Like "wait not, want not". The problem of the "yellow light mentality" is really becoming a major part of our society. No one is safe from it. Unless we take action and - you know what? I'm sick and tired of waiting for this to get over.

Stealing The Show... Er... Blog

This week, I had the unfortunate experience of getting 10 bucks (aka, A "Hamilton") stolen from me. As I was filled with rage at these people who steal things from other people, or "thieves" for short, I suddenly realized that I could write a very mean blog worth credit for English. As I always say, "Venting and renting" or "whining and pining". Not that that really makes sense, but I felt the need to rhyme... on a dime. But space filling verbiage aside, what makes stealing so wrong? Aside from the fact that, "thou shalt not steal," (Biblical reference to gain legitimacy with the Christian audience) could it be that it is simply against the law (as if people have reservations against that one)? Could it be that the French word for stealing is "voler", which is a false congnate with "vole"? All of these reasons are probably legitimate in the Great Melting Pot of... Why Stealing Is Wrong.

So, why, if it is so morally wrong for people in our society to steal, is it that stealing is widespread? The reason is that stealing is not REALLY wrong in our society. Take, for example, recent movies made about stealing. Oceans Eleven, the movie about a group of thieves breaking into a casino, was so popular that it warranted a sequel. A good sequel (had to make the distinction for you people who are actually reading this with half a brain)! Thus, we see that though society condemns thieves on the record, it is actually good friends with "Stealing" and often spends evenings together watching football and drinking beer (Root beer, whew, that was a close one). And then "Stealing" steals a "Hamilton" from Society's wallet. And high fives its good foreign friend, "Voler". (yay for anthropomorphizing!)

So what motivates these thieves, or, for the purpose of throwing a metaphorical curveball in word choice, jerks (I mean it in every diplomatic sense of the word) to steal from others? They don't want to work for themselves, and earn what others already have. In this generation of "instant gratification", people expect " the world on a silver platter (not literally)". As a result, they are too lazy to work, and simply take what others have. This alarming trend in society is becoming increasingly prevalent. I recently read in the newspaper about a man in Provo, who "backed his truck up to two separate car wash cash machines, chained up, and pulled them out." This man was only caught because he was driving recklessly on the highway later on. So, how exactly did no one notice an ATM being ripped out of the ground? What were the people doing that caused them to totally miss it? Probably sharing beers with "Stealing."

Stereotyping Sure Beats Monotyping

Have you ever seen someone really scary? And not just the creepy lunch lady who glares at you when you get the food? Like perhaps, an emo? Well, I have, and in my typical irresponsible way, I don't really care if you haven't because if you haven't guessed already, that was just a really lame way to introduce the subject I'm going to analyze. Or for you people who don't like lying, the subject I'm going to mock. Emo kids all dress in clothing that most people wouldn't be caught dead in. That's just a stereotype, but if this blogger doesn't rely on stereotypes, he might have to, GASP! do some actual research! Why do they all dress this way? The purpose is to be original, different, and progressive. However, all these "progressives", as the politically correct might refer to the common emo, seem to have the same "original" and "different" clothing styles.

The first aspect of the emo appearance is the use of black. Emos wear black shirts, black pants, black shoes, black eyeliner, black turbans, etc. This is because black is commonly associated with darkness and evil. In an attempt to gain the attention that they so desperately crave, emos attempt to associate themselves with evil. Obviously, this is an EXCELLENT tactic for getting attention.

Another aspect of the emo attire is body peircings. All parents with emo children have a great fear and dread of the day when a tiny voice tells their children that they have to get peircings. This is the voice of Satan. Just joking. It is actually the voice of popular culture, which, like many ideas or inanimate objects, can be anthropomorphized. (Discussion Question: Just how popular does a culture have to be to be considered a popular culture?) The voice of popular culture urges people to PAY people to literally ram a sharp object through their flesh, creating a hole in their flesh, so they can put ugly peices of metal and plastic in the holes to prevent the healing of their body. It makes a lot of sense.

The analysis of emo pants must be done in greater detail. There are two varieties of emo pants. The first is the ripped pants variety, and then there are the girl pants variety. The ripped pants variety comes from a clandestine deal between thrift stores, fashion experts, and pants making companies. The thrift stores sell used pants to pants making companies, which in turn throw them through a meat grinder, which gives them the "fashionable look" advocated by "fashion experts." The other variety of pants comes from the emos borrowing their older sisters' jeans. I will not go any further with this line of thought, because it might end with some hurt feelings, and a shooting of a certain blogger who doesn't want to be shot any time soon. You know what? I think this blogger is going to stop altogether for the previously stated reason. And because this blogger is hungry, and is going to go make lunch for himself.