Separation Of Church And State

This week, as I walked to the Seminary building, I noticed that there was caution tape parallel to the sidewalk that leads to the building. Caution tape is very hard not to notice, as we discovered when Kyler proposed that one of the candidates in the school election use it as a rallying force by distributing it throughout the school (I got some, and wrote "Asian" after every "Caution" on the tape to make the ultimate belt.). Anyways, I suspected that there must be some reason aside from the obvious aesthetic ones for putting the caution tape up. I talked to some informed people, who told me (so blame them if this is wrong) that the tape delineates the site of a wall. That will eventually be built. Unless it is built the same way that road construction is done in this city. In that case, random rocks will be dropped between the tape, and after three months, cleared away and replaced with a real wall.

But this wall will be more than just concrete. It will be an idea. A palpable victory for separation of church and state. A symbol that, by golly (I have NO idea what a "golly" is), this is America, where the phrase "under God" only appears in the Pledge of Allegiance because we want to be better than someone else, namely, the godless Commies. Our money proclaims, "In God We Trust," but prayer is banned from schools, and Darwinism has out evolved Intelligent Design, with natural selection favoring "The Origin Of Species" for the niche of "the lecture you will sleep through in Biology class."

So naturally, we will build a wall between the teacher parking lot and the Seminary building. Obviously, with the school population primarily LDS, and the minority so used to being in LDS-land that they don't even think to object, we must protect those who might be illegally parking in that lot from being offended at the sight of a building that looks like any other building except for small lettering that says "The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints". I personally applaud this crusade, proudly nominating it for "the stupidest use of money ever" award. I love separation of church and state, and could talk about it for hours, except I'm out of time, and have to go watch the LDS General Conference.

Seeing In A New Light Through Glasses

I was going to write a horribly mean blog about one of the leaders in my ward. Then I remembered that maybe that wouldn't exactly be Christlike. Then I remembered that remembering that wasn't exactly characteristic of myself. Then I forgot what I was going to write about in the first place. Maybe it was a "stupor of thought," if you catch my drift. So I guess I'll just write about some random thing that happened to me, and then try to pull it together in an "analytical" fashion, for full points.

Yesterday, I had a Mock Trial competition. President Ludwig, obviously a born lawyer (liar), brought his reading glasses along, not because he needed help reading, but because they would make him look smarter. And they did. The aura of distinction that emanated from his person was almost so great that I was almost too distracted to humiliate the poor lawyer who tried to cross examine me. Why? Why do glasses automatically seem to confer a sense of respectability and intelligence? That is the question that I will be "analyzing" this week, but first, a word from our sponsors.

"Mark! Get your little rear end in here and knead this dough!"

I'm back. Glasses lend respectability because they are stereotypically worn by the elderly. Find me a comic strip that has an old person not wearing glasses, and I'll punch you in the face. And naturally, we have come to respect the elderly, because of their wisdom, and their ability to have been better than you at anything in their prime. Some examples of respectable elderly people are: Oprah, George Clooney, George "The Older One" Bush, and John the Beloved. Unfortunately, none of these people wear glasses. However, since stereotypical aged members of society wear glasses, the glasses confer their characteristics upon the wearer.

Glasses also make you smarter. Putting them on automatically adds thirty to your IQ. It's a proven fact, according to a survey done by ASMUS (American Society for Made Up Surveys). That's why I wear contacts; to level the playing field. Glasses probably work like a placebo, and you're probably being tricked into thinking that you're smarter, rather than just looking like a bigger nerd. So wear glasses! Let's bring back those humongous ones from times before I was born! I'm sure they contributed directly to the American victory in the Cold War. Let's pray for a rebirth in Americans wearing glasses! They'll help to make sure that No Child Gets Left Behind. And then we won't have to write blogs to reinforce our writing abilities.

An Intelligent Discussion On The Subject Of Crickets

This week, for Mutual, I had the experience of playing cricket. "What is cricket?" I asked myself. All I knew was that it was some sport over in Britain, and I had only ever heard of it in old English books. They never mention exactly what the game is, or maybe I just wasn't paying very good attention while sleeping through the book. So basically, in going to the activity, all I really knew was that cricket was not a game where you try and stuff the most bugs in your mouth.

Turns out, cricket starts when a person "bowls" (translation: throws) the ball towards the batter, who tries to protect what looks like the top of a hammer on sticks by trying to hit the ball, and, if successful, runs back and forth from the hammer to a base, and then back, scoring points. "Sounds easy enough," you're saying to yourself. If you did talk to yourself, maybe you should check out some mental help. And I have a rebuttal. These ball are rocks. Not literally, but they sure felt like it. These were the type of things that you would rather not hit some part of your body, causing internal bleeding. And yet the guys who taught us to play, who were Indians (literal Indians, mind you, the type of people who might answer your questions when you call a computer help hotline, not to mention being Asian), were running around catching the balls barehanded, despite the fact that the balls were leaving craters in the field upon landing. I got up to bat, thinking it would all be fun and games, but when the first "bowl" went by, I think my underwear was about as wet as my swim suit is after practice. "How does it feel to have a rock flying at you at upwards of the speed of light?" you might ask. Not good. Thank goodness this "Casey" struck out at the bat alive.

So why hasn't this game caught on in America? Well, as an American people, we've exceeded cricket. We have our own batting and base running game with rock hard balls that would go through you if you came in contact with them. Yes, the great American pastime, baseball, has surpassed anything that the British could ever come up with, mostly because you're allowed to dump the peanut shells on the ground when you're watching the game. It's what truly makes our country great.

As a side note, at the activity, I also had the opportunity to try a "chocolate cricket." "If I eat this, will I be able to work it into a blog somehow?" I asked President Ludwig. "Probably," he answered, probably more intent on watching me gag than me getting full credit in English. So, I grabbed one of the ugly chocolate blobs and lowered it into my mouth. "Mmm... I'm gonna eat this gross disgusting bug," I declared, hoping to collect some comments of how manly I was. None came. Closing my eyes, I inched closer to my mouth. I put it into my mouth and chewed. Nothing happened. It was the anticlimax of the century (though the century is still young). I mean, all it tasted like was bad chocolate. It tasted a lot like the worthless chocolate you get at church functions during the Easter Egg Hunt, i.e., old chocolate. So next time dares you to eat one of those, don't do it. Just go and get out your old Easter Egg chocolate. Cause that's just as good, and a poor little cricket didn't have to give up its life for the chocolate.

Pilates: Don't Ever Read This One, Cause It's Not Funny

This week, after my morning swim practices, I had the opportunity to participate in Pilates. It's weird stuff. As I laid with my arms stretched out, my eyes fixed on the ceiling, and angelic music playing, it was hard to believe that I was actually there. I pinched myself, but I didn't wake up. So I decided to write a blog about it instead (it sure seemed like a logical train of thought to me...). Only, I'm not sure what the blog will be about, but I know that it will be about Pilates. So hang on to your hats, and enjoy the ride.

First, a little bit of historical info on the exercise method. It was created in the early 20th century by a certain Joseph Pilates. Hence, the name, Pilates. It focuses on core strength, and the control of the mind over the body. The Chinese invented Tai Chi first, and Tai Chi sounds cooler than "Pilates." "Tai Chi" sounds like some sort of exotic tiger. "Pilates" sounds like some sort of exotic fashion designer. So there. Asian supremacy.

So why is Pilates so popular? Well, I gained a little bit of insight into that as I did it. My friends and I, all accustomed to regular "work outs" (drowning), had absolutely no problem with "advanced" techniques. It's an easy work out (not drowning), and is possible for just about anyone. Also, the music is really quiet, and the old people give you dirty glares if you talk, so the environment is almost silent. The quiet, contemplative environment really allowed me to stop and slow down to think about just how much I really needed to figure out a clever way to end this blog. Maybe, I'll just end it the way they end the Pilates class. Take a deep breath in through your nose... and exhale it out through your mouth, exhaling through the motion required to push the little "X" in the upper left hand corner of the window.

Dr. WHO?!!

Today (Friday, not Sunday at 1:43), my little sister got to bring a pillow, a blanket, and snacks to school. I got to drive to swim practice at five in the morning through the snow. What was the cause for such a large difference in our experience? Well, I'll tell you, because it's possible that someone might possibly know that today is Dr. Seuss's birthday. Now, what I want to know is why all the kids at Orem Elementary were celebrating this guy. I mean, he was rich when he was alive, what more does he want?

Not much is really known about the actual life of Dr. Seuss. As such, I will elaborate on his life, making him seem as sinister as possible. First, Dr. Suess really doesn't have the last name "Seuss." He was actually Theodor Seuss Geisel, and wasn't even a doctor. As if this deception wasn't enough, he often wrote under the pen name Theo Lesieg, which is "Geisel" backwards, showing an affinity for codes and secretive spy work. His name wasn't even pronounced the way we pronounce it. It rhymes with "voice," not "juice."

So what led to the success of the secretive mystery man? Well, thanks to what I call the Seuss Formula, which will be described, he rose to the top of the nonsensical rhyme industry. The parts of the Formula are as follows:
1) Use of rhyme. When rhyming is not possible, or might take too much thought, replace first letter of the other word with a different consonant, creating some new creature (what exactly is a "sneetch"?).
2) Use of weird pictures. Often, different creatures with different names like "grinch" or a "Sam-I-Am" look almost exactly the same, except with different colors.
3) Some sort of moral of the story. This adds to the "parents buy this for your kids so they can learn how to survive in the modern world of moral apathy" value of the book.

There you have it. Just follow the formula, and you too can become a famous "doctor" writing nonsense for millions. Happy Geisel Day!