Seeing In A New Light Through Glasses

I was going to write a horribly mean blog about one of the leaders in my ward. Then I remembered that maybe that wouldn't exactly be Christlike. Then I remembered that remembering that wasn't exactly characteristic of myself. Then I forgot what I was going to write about in the first place. Maybe it was a "stupor of thought," if you catch my drift. So I guess I'll just write about some random thing that happened to me, and then try to pull it together in an "analytical" fashion, for full points.

Yesterday, I had a Mock Trial competition. President Ludwig, obviously a born lawyer (liar), brought his reading glasses along, not because he needed help reading, but because they would make him look smarter. And they did. The aura of distinction that emanated from his person was almost so great that I was almost too distracted to humiliate the poor lawyer who tried to cross examine me. Why? Why do glasses automatically seem to confer a sense of respectability and intelligence? That is the question that I will be "analyzing" this week, but first, a word from our sponsors.

"Mark! Get your little rear end in here and knead this dough!"

I'm back. Glasses lend respectability because they are stereotypically worn by the elderly. Find me a comic strip that has an old person not wearing glasses, and I'll punch you in the face. And naturally, we have come to respect the elderly, because of their wisdom, and their ability to have been better than you at anything in their prime. Some examples of respectable elderly people are: Oprah, George Clooney, George "The Older One" Bush, and John the Beloved. Unfortunately, none of these people wear glasses. However, since stereotypical aged members of society wear glasses, the glasses confer their characteristics upon the wearer.

Glasses also make you smarter. Putting them on automatically adds thirty to your IQ. It's a proven fact, according to a survey done by ASMUS (American Society for Made Up Surveys). That's why I wear contacts; to level the playing field. Glasses probably work like a placebo, and you're probably being tricked into thinking that you're smarter, rather than just looking like a bigger nerd. So wear glasses! Let's bring back those humongous ones from times before I was born! I'm sure they contributed directly to the American victory in the Cold War. Let's pray for a rebirth in Americans wearing glasses! They'll help to make sure that No Child Gets Left Behind. And then we won't have to write blogs to reinforce our writing abilities.