The Bean Rebellion

A couple of weeks ago, my friend President Ludwig wrote about the evils of our friends across the northern border. This week, I will be forming a conspiracy theory about our border buddies to the south. Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. It is a joy-filled occasion that no one except the supermarkets celebrate by selling frozen ethnic food for "low prices." It doesn't seem intuitive that we would celebrate some other country's independence. I thought I smelt something fishy, and probably not just the frozen fish tacos in the supermarket.

I have come to the conclusion, through extensive research (playing guitar) and analysis (napping), that the grand Empire of Mexico is attempting to take over America. Not only are there maple spies among us from the north, but there are also bean agents from the south. This has been going on since World War I with the Zimmerman Telegram. This is evident in the way our society is coming to be dominated by their culture. Not only is "salsa" taking over the food industry, but "salsa" is also a type of dance! Sombreros are used as mind control devices. I would dare you to put one on and show me you're able to resist the desire to do the Mexican Hat Dance, but then you would become a pawn of the beans.

What really steams my broccoli (and I can't even eat it cause it's Fast Sunday), is that they are trying to take over traditional Asian roles. Mexican rice is the cheap knock off of fried rice, and tacos and burritos are like demented egg rolls. NAFTA is effectively moving our economy from China to Mexico. We thought we were getting a good deal when we tapped into cheap Maple drugs, but now our figurehead economy of numbers and papers can be toppled by the flatulent (defintion: having unsupported pretensions; inflated and empty; pompous; turgid) whims of one bean, leading to a stench of panic and terror within our country. Personally, I'm disgusted by the bean flatulence, and I urge all to take action. We need to take back our country from the beans. We need to attack them and make them the 51st state. We'll start with their headquarters, Betos.