Humor: A Healthy Alternative To Sporting

I'm a pretty funny guy. Who's not a Narcissist. People just tell me I'm funny. And I wonder why. I think for this week, I'll come out and bluntly state what I'm going to "analyze," so Sir Rich will have an easy time finding the "meat" (beef) of the blog is. I'm going to find one reason for why I use so much humor, and then blatantly ignore all other possibilities.

First, in order to talk about this, not to mention fill up space, we have to define humor. The Free Online Dictionary defines humor as, "a body fluid, such as-" What in the? No wonder this thing is free! For some reason they think that just because they offer a free service, they can be as sloppy as they want! I think we should bite them. Maybe we should write to our congressperson supporting the Bite Act, which would make the mandatory punishment for doing something stupid being bitten by a special professional biter. These professional biters would have to go through a complex qualification process, which would consist of being able to chew through something hard, like the plastic fruit old ladies like to trick people with at parties. I guess I'm just going to define humor myself. Humor is funny. And I don't mean those lame jokes that have been around forever, probably from the time of the ancient Greeks, or maybe the Egyptians. I can only imagine that when Howard "How 'ard? Very hard!" Carter unearthed the tomb of Tut, he found ancient Egyptian jokes in there. "What do you call a humpless camel? A humpless camel!!!" (these were very primitive jokes)

Now... what could possibly account for me being funny? Well, quite frankly, I'm sure it was a cover up. I developed humor to cover the fact that I can't play sports. The other boys were all doing back flips, hitting home runs, and demonstrating their strength by lifting the school, etc. And I have the physical ability of gravel. So I decided to be funny. Now, it's just an automatic reflex. Someone will lift their car, and to "one up" them (does this have to do with the One Ups, like in Mario?), I'll say, "That reminds me of a joke..." I'll admit it, it's a hit every time. I'm sure all around the world, guys everywhere are doing this. This explains why sports guys aren't funny. You never see a Quarter Back telling a joke before the game. No, they're always talking about how they're going to dominate. And the announcers, who all used to play football aren't funny, either. I was watching the BYU vs. Oregon ("Home of the Ducks!") game, and the announcers were awful! They were talking and all laughing, and displaying little plastic action figures, like it was the funniest joke ever. I didn't even smile. My reaction went something along the lines of, "what a bunch of losers." But it doesn't matter. They didn't have sports inadequacies to hide. They are free to make bad jokes, and be as stupid as they want. At least until Congress passes the Bite Act, that is.

Even Chlorine Addicts Get Second Chances

Freedom of speech doesn't exist. It's true. I already wrote a blog about how unhappy I was to be writing a blog on Christmas Eve. Needless to say, I got caught up in the passion of the moment, and my parents censored me. None of you, except the President, will ever know the contents of the missing blog. It will haunt your dreams until it is released in the Bonus DVD, with the stupid games and the blooper reel. So for those of you who believe in second chances, here goes. I decided to write something hopelessly sappy, to make sure that I don't get censored this time. Wish me luck; this could get blasphemous.

I was looking out the window at the snow (ok, so there isn't snow, but there were paper snowflakes at the President's house), and I was amazed at the beauty of these falling ice crystals. And then I got bored. But it made me think (and those of you who know me know that this takes nothing short of a cattle prod, generally) about the uniqueness of the snowflakes. They (but I'm not sure who) say that no two snowflakes are alike. This statement can be applied to people as well. No two people are alike. Aww... how cute! This is definitely a good thing, because I would feel really bad for the poor soul who knew my evil twin. I mean, I feel sorry for the people who know the real me as it is!

So why is every person different? Well, I think that it's because there are no two people who experience the exact same things. Something is bound to be different, and this could result in differences like those between Lucky Charms vs. Marshmallow Maties. You could test this out. You could put two clones into white rooms (it's always white, any other color could have disasterous consequences like the destruction of a common stereotype) and give them the same food (cold pizza) and the same objects to play with (I just made all that up). They're not going to stay the same. They'll figure out different things to do with the objects, and they'll eat their foods in different ways (chopsticks vs. forks, or just eating vs. talking on the phone at the same time). These differences will accumulate to create totally different people. I mean, even at the cellular level (doesn't that just SOUND smart? Or at least nerdy?), they will be different. It is, well I'll come out and say it, stupid to suppose that every single one of the clones' (insert favorite big number here) cells is used the same way, and the same amount, and that the cells will even mutate the same. With that creepy and crappy (sorry Hannah) made up situation, one realizes just how correct I am. One realizes how well I've analyzed all possible outcomes, and synthesized the correct answer. Go ahead and say it, Sir Rich, "Full credit for the second try!"

Singing In The Snow

Contrary to the awesome title, I wasn't doing any singing in the snow. I'm sorry if you were misled in any way. But not sorry enough to change the title. Today during church, rather than having a Priesthood lesson, the Priests went and shoveled the walks of elderly people in the ward. Naturally, we were overjoyed. I'm not sure that that's a comment on the quality of our lessons, or the quality of our souls. "Whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos." Wait. Wrong story. We ended up shoveling what had to be the longest driveway in the city. Quite frankly, I believe that having a driveway longer than two car lengths should be punishable by the law. With death. Anyways, I think I'll write a summary of the event, and try to string together a couple of intelligent analytical thoughts. Or actually, I think I'll just say the things that bugged me, and then I'll try and come up with an analytical thought about it.

The first thing that bugged me was stated above. Why in the world do these people have such long driveways? Well, they're old, and they can afford it. Mostly because they sure aren't gonna be shoveling the walks. They know their ward is gonna do "service." Or perhaps they want to stay fit by having a long walk to get the mail. Or maybe they just like the view of concrete pavement. I'm all out of ideas. Next idea!

While we were shoveling, it just kept snowing. We were just about as effective as Pickett's charge. Which was almost successful, but not quite, so people just think of it as a loss, sort of like Al Gore in the 2000 elections. Basically, by the time we got to the end of the driveway, the other end was covered in snow again. Why were we doing this then? Well, it's because it's the thought that counts. Actually, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I mean, nobody pays for thoughts. "Faith without works is dead!" Basically, we were doing this because of a more clandestine reason. When we shoveled the walk would get wet, and then the walks would ice over. Pretty soon, we would get old people flying through the air, like some sort of sick twisted circus routine. And then they would die, and we wouldn't have to ever shovel the walks again! Score!

There were these kids who we were with basically did nothing but quote movies. I've already made my position on quoting clear, but I was wondering why in the world these kids were so worthless. Perhaps they were born under a worthless star. Maybe if they did any type of work, they would have an allergic reaction, and die in a sneezing fit. Cause we didn't have any epipens. Or maybe, but this is a stretch for me, they were just lazy. And basically, I'm lazy too. Because I'm done writing this. Sorry it was so lame this week, I just felt a need to vent in a really dumb "analytical" blog. Plus I wanted to Sir Rich to have a boring time reading at least one of my blogs.

Jingle Bells? Or Just The Money Jingling In Your Pocket?

America. The land of freedom. The "nation under God, with liberty, and justice for all". The land where it is a Constitutional right to create a Christmas CD. Yes, anyone, except quite possibly Dennis Rodman, can slow down Christmas songs to show "feeling" in the United States. Any random bum off the street can create his own inspiring lyrics that uplift not only the soul, but also commercialism. This explains the Beach Boys singing about the "little St. Nick" when they (the Beach Boys) have nothing to do with anything (Christmas). In fact, the Civil War actually occurred not because of the issue of slavery, but because Southern plantation owners refused to let their slaves create Christmas music. In response, Honest "Abe" Lincoln stated in his Gettysburg address that "fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposistion that all men might write a Christmas album." However, libel aside, this blog seeks not to prove the existence of this Christmas Album Culture, but rather the reasons behind it.

Some people would say that music artists write Christmas music because they simply love Christmas music. These people are stupid. No normal person would sing emotionally about a snowman, or a mutated reindeer with a red nose. No, the real reason behind Christmas CDs is money. Now this may sound like déjà vu (French for: a very good reason), but just because it's been the answer for the last two blogs, doesn't mean that I just don't want to think of a new analytical reason. People who write these songs are making loads of money. This is because everyone listens to some form of Christmas music. People are out there listening to The Best Of Darth Brooks Christmas, or whatever other style of music they might like. For example, in Math, everyday, we come in to the class, and listen to some great hick Christmas music. I mean, this stuff is great! I can just see this cowboy, with a cowboy hat, and a peice of straw in his mouth, tapping his boots to the beat, singing about the birth of Jesus to his cows. Even cows need a little bit of spiritual music (they're not all rockers, you know). And because people like to listen to Christmas music at this time of year, they will buy any Christmas album that is like the music they usually listen to. There's tons of money to be made in this industry! I think I'm gonna go right now, and write my own Christmas Album, and be rich and famous and powerful, like Dennis Rodman. And if my parents try to stop me, Civil War II.

The Environment: Who Cares?

This week, I was personally responsible for the destruction of an entire acre of rainforest. That's right, I had an English paper due. But before all of you environmentalists write petitions to your Congressperson (who is probably out to "lunch" right now), listen to my explanation first. I had to include about five hundred drafts at the demand of my English teacher. Basically, I'm using the politician's way out, namely, the blame game (which, unfortunately, is not a board or card game). It was Rich's fault! As I sit here and contemplate the wholesale destruction of wildlife and the environment that goes on today, I can't help but laugh. Actually, what I meant was... write a blog about it.

In what ways do people destroy the environment? I'm currently enrolled in a Geology class, and I'm constantly learning about the stupid things that we (but not me) do to degrade the world. For example, we recently learned about the process of New Jersyfication, which is the building of groins (It's not what you're thinking! If you just thought something innappropriate, I suggest you get your mind out of the gutters. I'm not joking. Get up out of your seat, go outside and pick up your stupid mind right now!) out into the ocean (this just goes to show that I do not sleep in Geology, at least not when we're learning about fascinating subjects like New Jersyfication). This keeps sand from traveling down the coast, and makes some parts of the beach erode at a rapid rate, destroying houses. My basic response was, "HAHA, suckers!" and then I realized that this was wreaking havoc on the environment when my conscience (political correctness) kicked in.

Why do people exploit the environment? Money. Money is always the answer to any question outside of Geology field trips (the answers there are "basalts", "Lake Bonneville", "fissures", and the "Sevier Mountain Range Event", in case you ever take the class). In the old days (the days that are no longer "spring chicken", but actually "rotisserie chicken"), industries would just dump their waste (chemical waste, not...) anywhere they wanted. If someone was getting sick, getting cancer, turning into the Hulk, Wolverine, etc., it was their problem. Because the industry wasn't about to waste money on other people or the environment's safety. It's absurd to think otherwise! The Golden Rule, my eye! If there was anything gold about it, people would have stolen it ages ago.

Now a days, people exploit the environment as much as they possibly can without causing some sort of catastrophe like in The Day After Tomorrow, which not only detailed some catastrophes, but was a catastrophe itself. Industries try to make the most money possible. This is why whole forests are cut down to make paper, why the earth is mined until there's nothing there. This is why we try and avoid costly proceedures that only lead to a cleaner earth. Money can explain all of this. It can even explain why I had to write so many drafts for Sir Rich. The more we write, the more sucessful it seems the class is. This explain the length of my blogs. The longer they are, the more "analytical" thought that went into them. Unless you're capable of "analytical" thought yourself; then you know there's nothing much in here.

Thanksgiving, A Good Time For Christmas

Thanksgiving. A wonderful time of the year that we can slow down our lives, when we can stop and think about… Christmas. Because of this, a couple of questions come to my mind. Why do we skip Thanksgiving for Christmas? Why do we skip the grateful, and go straight to the giving ( aka receiving)? Why do eggs explode in the microwave? Now, these questions probably won’t all be answered, but I’m sure that if you looked hard enough, you could find some deep symbolism that would answer the question. If you do, you know you’re an English teacher, and should probably do community service by shooting yourself in the head. I'm just joking, Sir Rich. What would I do with my free time if you weren't there to fill it with assignments? Probably not be writing this, that's for sure!

Obviously, to start this "analytical essay," I need to establish that Thanksgiving is skipped. Many people don't like it. In our diet driven society, Thanksgiving, the day of obesity, is slowly losing its competitive edge in the hard cruel world of holidays, as more and more people are tempted (by none other than Lucifer himself) to try the "tofu turkey. (it's probably a weapon of some sort)" The other day, and this is a verbatim quote that I heard in the halls who's name shall remain secret to protect an innocent from a certain English teacher who might make this person explain where this "synthesis" came from, "Thanksgiving is lame."

Another example of Thanksgiving being skipped occurred this morning. Thanksgiving morning. I went out to get the paper. I almost didn't return. Because, every business you could possibly think of had placed ads in the paper today in preparation for Christmas. I nearly broke my arm trying to lift that thing, and I swim for 3 hours a day, and weight lift every other day! Needless to say, this in itself is a problem, cause I can only imagine how crowded the emergency rooms are going to be today, as countless people go in with broken arms.

Why are all these businesses putting out ads today, for Day After Thanksgiving Sales? Though it may seem that these people are simply trying to inform the public about what's happening in society, let's not kid ourselves. Business people are no where near that altruistic. No, contrary to common belief, businesses aren't losing money on sales. Otherwise, they wouldn't be desperately looking for any excuse to have a sale (I bet there's a 9/11 Sale, Slogan: "Give Us Your Money, It Won't Support The War Effort" or perhaps "Prices Are Falling Just Like The Twin Towers"). Believe it or not, businesses are looking to make money on Christmas, and since this is the biggest buying season of the year, every business is out to be the metaphorical "early bird" that gets the metaphorical "worm." To quote a certain French teacher, the American way is, "be greedy first, give later." Thanksgiving doesn't stand a chance, because there simply isn't enough money to be made on Thanksgiving. Only grocery stores make any money, and as powerful as Smith's (Market Fresh Every Day!) might be, it simply can't stand up to Toy's "ARR, Maties" Us (Exortion Is Fun!).

Another reason I've heard for this senseless skipping of Thanksgiving is the lack of Thanksgiving songs. Sure, I'm certain that many of you are now humming the Adam Sandler Turkey Song, and I'm definitely glad that I'm not hearing it, but there really aren't any other songs. However, I'm not sure that even Thanksgiving Songs would really get the holiday anywhere. Because there really isn't a possiblity of topping Christmas songs, many of which are about the Savior, which are really the only reminder of the true meaning of Christmas. Because, despite any other reason you might come up with for why Christmas dominates Thanksgiving, commercialism is still at the "heart" of the issue. But hey, I say bring it on, cause then we get to see what truly makes this country great, namely, credit cards.

The Long Claw Of The Law, Mocked

This week, the school has been putting on a production of Les Miserables. Though I don't like to toot my own horn, I'm in the Pit Orchestra, playing the clarinet, and literally tooting my horn. Well, actually, it's the school's horn, so I don't really have a problem there. However, as I sit there listening to the same show about five hundred pi hundreths, I have a lot of time to reflect on my life. Well, actually, I lied there too, cause I don't reflect on my life, I just reflect on ways to make fun of other people's lives. But this is besides the point. At one point (and this is the point), Javert, who, for the Les Mis Illiterate, is the psycho cop obsessed with capturing Jean val Jean and wastes 20 years of his life chasing the guy, only to commit suicide (oops, just spoiled the ending). That wasn't actually a sentence, but I thought that since it was such a long appositive (though it was not a positive appositive) I'll restart that sentence. At one point, Javert sings that he "is the law, and the law is not mocked." I'll admit it, it sounded like a personal challenge, or some sort of bet. So basically, I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I really just have to prove that I am the best (like I have to even try to prove that!). But first, for those of you who were wondering, yes, Les Mis does have the obligatory part where the two love birds sing a cheesy duet on opposite sides of the stage. That basically is a law, and I just mocked it.

Where to begin? Well, first, I would like to state that this will not be an analysis of stupid laws. There are already too many books about that, based on the laws of small towns with populations that could probably be counted on your fingers. And if they're really big, with your toes too. These books are also based on the fact that none of the laws they write about are enforced. The reason I refuse to write like these books is because I will have more than enough to make fun of if I simply look at the law as a whole. And also because individual laws would require actual research and analysis, which would probably be against my professional (that's a joke!) ethics. And would also require me to stay up past my bedtime writing this. (Mr. Rich, I realize that this says that I wrote this on Sunday at 1:43 PM like all the rest of my blogs, but it was actually written the Friday before, at about ten. I simply like to cheat against myself.)

Almost every society has a code of laws. Why is this? This is because people love rules. Rules are basically the favorite activity of the people making them. Your parents make rules, your teachers make rules, your religious leaders make rules, and so does anyone else that has power over you. I am just being facetious. Actually, for Mr. Rich's sake, I was being facetious in saying that I was being facetious. Anyways, laws are actually to set guidelines for proper conduct in society. They keep the metaphorical machine of society well greased with the metaphorical engine oil of not doing things you want to do. Imagine if there weren't laws against public nudity. It would be like the old men in the locker room everywhere! Imagine if it was alright to kill someone else. Imagine if it were alright for you to stick a knife in the annoying kid who sits next to you in English. That would, although violence is highly popular in our society, be, to put it poetically, bad. So, laws are there to keep people in line. If everyone follows the laws, everyone would be just great, and there would be no need to sue anyone. Which would probably be against some sort of Constitutional Ammendment prohibiting lawyers not having jobs. Cause whenever you have the law, people always love to add a "y-e-r" to it to create, you guessed it, unless you are unable to spell, lawyers.

The second aspect of law is its creation. This generally occurs because of some sort of legislative body. Why do we have legislative bodies? Isn't the constitution of the country enough? Don't these questions really create a facade of analytical thought? Well, to answer these questions, the legislative bodies are there to help small minority interest groups (though they deny it) and also so there can be corrupt lobbyists. No, actually, contrary to common belief, legislative groups have a purpose. That purpose is to create laws to keep up with modern trends that founders of countries could never have forseen. These legislative groups can be highly productive. Given my Taiwanese patriotism, I would have to say that the Taiwanese Parliament is the greatest of these groups. On the account that, while the British may get to call each other mean names, the Taiwanese can actually participate in violence. Can't you imagine just how productive it would be if members of Congress would hit each other? That would be great! Instead of wasting tax payer money on "conventions" in nice places (Disneyland, the Carribean, and other places really conducive to legislative work in the form of good food and entertainment), they would waste it on medical treatment! And, for the sake of throwing a curveball, I'm going to write a four paragraph essay (well, I already have) to make Mr. Rich happy that it wasn't a five paragraph one, which shows some creativity in the form of wanting to go to bed. Cause I think I've mocked the law enough. Javert, you owe me five bucks.

Aw, Quote This!

This week, while I was on a geology field trip, we spent many long hours in the bus. Now, this is Utah, so there were no people in the back making out. Actually, this was because there were no cute girls who... nevermind. But there was an obnoxious kid a couple of rows up that kept trying to be funny, and make me and my friend laugh. He failed miserably. His methods were worthless. As I sat in the bus, trying to block out the noise of his voice quoting various movies and humorous websites, I found myself visualizing different ways that I could make him die a horrible, painful, ignominious death. Actually, I suddenly realized that I could write a blog about him in which I would make fun of him, thus extracting revenge, AND also receive credit for it if I added some "analytical" tidbits. This is what I call killing two metaphorical birds with one metaphorical stone. Literally, the extent to which killing two birds with one stone is possible is debatable. So, in using that story, I have set the stage for this blog, in which I will analyze the culture of quoting things, or, as I call it, Bonsteel Syndrome. It will be completely sincere, in the same way that I am when I refer to the person grading these as, "O Captain, My Captain" or Sir Richie. The Third.

What causes this senseless quoting in our society? Well, as you could probably guess, there are several reasons. As you could probably also guess, I will be covering a few of them, because there are simply too many to be feasibly written about, and I also don't want to have to make up more than three. The first reason is that people are trying to be funny. This is the biggest load of bull larkey (Essay Question: What is "bull larkey?" What are its sociopolitcal and economic effects in Mozambique?) I have heard in a long time. The kid I referred to before, the one with Bonsteel Syndrome, was trying to be funny, but really wasn't. The simple reality is that it's never as funny the second time. Or quite frankly, it's not funny the thousandth time either, which is a fact that many find hard to grasp. So STOP QUOTING NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!!! Sorry. That just makes me so angry that I have to write in caps, making that statement jump out of the page (but not literally). And yet, though this is the case, we still have many (dare I say it, nerds) who quote movies, trying to recapture some of the glory of the original, desperate for attention, for laughs, for popularity, and for Phil McPherson in their fourth period class to stop giving them swirlies in the school toilets.

The second reason is because we are taught all our lives in school that quoting is the good thing to do. This reason will be divided into two sections to give me my "three reasons." The first is the reason that English teachers give you. That the quotes capture the true feelings of the author and prove that you actually read the book. However, many online study guides include an "Important Quotations" section, which really rules out the second reason. But this blogger declares on the record, and would do so in front of "O Captain My Captain," that he would never participate in such clandestine online study guiding. At least without reading the book first, and not having any clue what illegal substance the author was on when the book was written.

The "third" reason is the one that science teachers and history teachers give you. Quotes lend credibility. This also really doesn't make perfect sense. You could quote anyone, perhaps get a quote from any obscure bum on the streets. You history and science teachers are all leaning back in your seats and chuckling, grinning and murmuring to yourselves, "Ohoho, that's where you're wrong." Because, the credibility of a quote relies on the credibility of the person quoted. You need someone respected in politics, someone who's written in several academic journals you would refuse to read at gunpoint, someone who is not the custodian at your school. However, this is balderdash (The British version of "bull larkey"). For example, I could quote Hugo Chavez, and say that George "W." Bush "is the devil," but this would not necessarily render "W." worthy of the honor. Also, there are always academics on the edge of insanity (they call it being "avant garde") that you could quote. For example, on November 4, 2006, the Daily Herald newspaper printed a story about a professor at Idaho State University who is convinced that Big Foot exists, and has collected numerous footprints. A fellow professor can be quoted as saying, "It's embarrassing."

There you have it. Three good analytical reasons for quoting. And I'll be totally honest with you, I think they're pretty analytical. There so analytical they deserve full credit, but only if Sir Rich, the King of Commas, Guardian of Grammar, Lord of Literature really feels that they would, in his honest opinion, based on his infinite wisdom, merit full credit. If he would, in his mercy, bestow a full grade upon me, his humble servant, I would be very grateful. I would probably actually read books for fun. That way, I could, to quote the great man himself, who actually said this based on personal experience (This isn't confirmed, but in light of his interests, which are, undoubtedly, when considering the magnitude of the personality of his person... interesting interests (grammar), it's a logical inference) "Read to know I'm not alone."

Tamagotchi: Japanese For Stupid Fad

Lately, as in today, I've been thinking about fads. Basically, this whole thing came on because I saw some girl wearing a Pokémon shirt. It grossed me out. Ok, so I'll be honest. It took me back to a time when I still believed in Santa Claus (on the record), when I didn't understand what was going on in politics (Clinton and... you get the picture), when I wasn't expected to write these stupid blogs every week, when there were still 150 of those little guys, and only three games. As opposed to the roughly 186,282 Pokémon. Wait, that was the speed of light. I get so confused with all the random bits of data they cram into my head in school. Back when there were only the Red, Blue, and Yellow Versions, as opposed to every pretty much every color you could think of. What made Pokémon so much more incredibly popular than other wannabes like Yu-Gi-Oh (More like Yu-Gi-NO!!!)? Quite frankly, I'm not sure. But to make this sound analytical, so I can get credit, I'll say it was due to the fact that the game was just the right balance of cute and "cool" monsters, difficulty without being incomprehensible (seriously, who understands Magic?), and dumb luck. And so, at this point, with no prior planning, I have decided to talk about virtual (and not so virtual) pet fads.

Another thing that was huge was the Tamagotchi. I won't try to lie to you, Tamagotchi is the top item on my Christmas List I'm mailing in a week (If you think I'm jumping the gun, go look at Toys "Nothing For Less Than One Grand" R Us's Christmas catalog from two weeks ago). I loved my Tamagotchi! It was so adorable how that little pixelly guy would kind of slide across the screen, making virtual happy faces and feces (one letter difference, and it makes a huge difference!). I remember how, being a good student, I would leave my Tamagotchi with my mom when I went to school, with express directions to feed it at least once every hour, and to make sure that the thing wasn't drowning in pixel poop. According to Wikipedia (which is slowly taking over the world), "Tamagotchi" is a combination "the Japanese word for egg ("tamago") and the syllable "chi" which denotes affection, so it could be taken to mean "loveable egg". It is also a pun on both "wotchi" (borrowed from English "watch", as in the time piece) and "tomodachi" (Japanese for friend)." Obviously, because the product was sold in America, it was important to make this little pun in Japanese. So, what precisely made these little guys so popular? Mostly because they're "pets" in every sense of the word, except they don't throw up in the middle of the living room, spit hairballs, bark at everyone (though that would be a cool feature), etc. So maybe they're just pets without all the gross parts. Plus the little guys were really cute, and it just made you all warm and fuzzy inside when it made a smiley face at you, much akin to the feeling you get whenever you watch a car blow up in a movie or video game.

In order to get a better idea of the "big picture" of pet fads, we have to take a journey back to the '70's, the time of bell bottoms and hair parted down the middle. Back then, as my dad tells me when he happens to get nostalgic, people used to have "pet rocks." I can't imagine a time when this could have happened. Millions of the rocks were sold in their little "pet rock carrying cases" nestled in a bed of straw, with the manual of how to train and raise these pet rocks. Though the originals had no features, they eventually got animal features painted on them, which clearly made them worth the four bucks they cost. You're probably sitting here and thinking that the people of the era must have been idiots, and you're probably right. But this was right after the US had just lost the Vietnam War. People needed something to cheer them up, and that wasn't a pet that was capable and very willing to make the wee wee of joy on the carpet. So, everyone rushed out and bought these rocks, making their creator an instant millionare, on account of the fact that he was making a several hundred percent profit.

And so, looking back on these examples, I will now attempt to make some sort of connection between them, for a really "analytical" finish. The similarity between these fads is, but not limited to, except during Day Lights Saving Time, and when before a word starting with a vowel, that in conjunction with each other, these fads, which commonly gain widespread popularity, are all characterized by the way they quickly died out. Ok. So that wasn't a real reason, but was just really restating the definition of a fad with added commentary (also known as "verbiage"). So I'll make up a real reason. And here it is, what I've got over good old Webster. Looking back on them, all these fads seem really stupid. They make you slap your hand to your forehead and exclaim, "What a bunch of morons!" But trust me, within a year or so, the store shelves will be lined with toilet paper roll weiner dogs. And you will be buying them.

Mispelling

Over UEA weekend (you can tell I'm desperate for a topic because of how long ago this happened), I drove by Lakeridge Junior High. What I saw on their announcement board shocked me. It boldly stated that there was, "No Skool." Quite frankly, I thought that that word was one that we learned in first grade, under that category of words that we would all learn to hate. And yet, at this institution of education, the school misspelled itself. Within the analytical part of my mind, which had by then experienced an "awakening" in the form of metaphorical caffeine (analytical paragraphs I did and then forgot about) prescibed by Dr. Rich, I pondered, "how is this type of misspelling possible?" And then I realized that I was supposed to be watching the road, the caffeine wore off, and I forgot about the experience until my mind was "awakened" by another metaphorical drug I call "last minute blog panic."

One thing that has led to the culture of misspelling that we live in is instant and text messaging. Wait... that was two things... but this is about spelling, not math! The degree of misspelling in an instant message or text message is often referred to as the "text"-ure. Seriously, though, spelling is thrown out the window, quite possibly literally, in these forms of communication. They rely heavily on spelling things "phonetically," which is just another way of saying, "in as few letters as possible". A couple of examples of this are substituting "u" for "you" and "r" for "are." Another aspect of this form of communication is the use of acronyms that no one but the person who uses them understands, with examples like "btw" for "by the way," "brb" for "be right back," and "ATP" for "adenosine triphosphate." And my personal favorite, "DNA", "Dynamic Nuclear Accelerators." Needless to say, these incomprehensible forms of communication not only make no sense, but are also really fun to mock. No, I meant to say, have a large impact on the ability of people to spell correctly.

Another problem with misspelling is those darn Brits. I mean, another problem that creates spelling errors stems from the beliefs of our British brethren. These people are whack jobs. I mean, these, our brethren, and sistern, are misguided individuals who love to misspell things. The first example of this is the "'re' not 'er'" rule. This results in words, or misspellings, like "centre," metre", and "Petre." Another example is the "unnecessary 'e' rule." This rule involves putting 'e's in random places where they don't belong, like "towne." Combinations of these rules could create rather unfortunate misspellings of mass proportions, such as, "towne centre." I can only imagine what a terrorist could do with one of those rules. "Everybody freeze, or I'll add an unnecessary 'e' to your mom!" Actually, I believe that these rules of misspelling actually came from the American Revolution. In an attempt to render their communications incomprehensible to the traitors, who we fondly refer to as "patriots", the British soldiers, who we fondly refer to as "lobsterbacks," devised a new form of code, not unlike modern Pig Latin, which involved rearranging words ending in "re" and adding "e"'s to everything they could think of. This new system was highly effective, and still confuses people to this day.

As we can see from this highly informative essay (that's a joke!), this is a very real problem which must be solved if we don't wish to go back to the Dark Ages, where NO ONE knew how to spell. This might have been because the Dark Ages were too dark to see, and they just randomly scribbled, but I think that the main reason was that people made up the stuff. This resulted in strange spellings of things like, "Todaye Brothre Josef fel intu the toylet. I rekwestd that he tayke a bathe." Imagine the mass turmoil and pandemonium that would ensue from such a situation! Wouldn't that be great?! I mean, this is a very real problem that we must solve. And what is the solution to this problem? How should I know? I'm just the guy who points out the problems of society, and irresponsibly does nothing with the knowledge of these problems, who is also exempt from all these problems, because he is perfecte. I g2g.

No Adult Left Behind

Yesterday, I participated in the swim meet against Lehi and Pleasant Grove. When I swam my 500 yard freestyle, a race that involves 20 25 yard laps, I finished third, about two seconds after the fastest time. After the "congratulating complete strangers on a good job" phase of the race, the lady who was timing for my lane told me that I still had another two laps to swim. This didn't make much sense to me, but I swam them anyways. Later, it turned out that I had simply swam an extra 50 yards. This raises a question in my mind: Why in the world did the lady think I still had more to swim? Perhaps this was because she miscounted, and only counted 18 laps, rather 20, which was a mistake I was totally understanding of, despite the facts that there were people counting the laps on the other side of the pool, that I had personally counted 20, and that I was never passed by the other guys who had finished at about the same time I did, and who had consequently also counted to 20.

Jim Noorlander, Constitution Party Congressional Candidate for Utah's 3rd district, stated that "the number one problem... is what's being taught, and how it's being taught" in a recent debate. Not only does using this quote in this blog add "credibility" and "a professional feel", but it also raises the idea that perhaps the problem extends beyond this to include who is being taught! The federal government has, using the 'elastic clause' (which actually has nothing to do with elastics, rubberbands, etc.) as justification, instituted a program called No Child Left Behind. In this program, EVERY child must pass standardized tests designed to be passable by the average student. Who has happened to receive a labotomy. Perhaps, given the outstanding success rate of this program, adults should get their own program. No Adult Left Behind. There are numerous benefits from this sort of a program, including, but not limited to, adults of voting age suddenly realizing what a drag the tests are, and then not voting against them, in a classic display of the voter apathy that makes this country so great.

However, required education has been in place for so long that there is no reason that all adults should have received at least a rudimentary education in the American tradition of memorizing useless bits of data. So, what is to blame for the degeneration of the adult mind? An obvious answer would use television as a scapegoat. And so, to avoid further thought, this blog will do exactly that. Television is to blame!!! Though this statement is strong, it still needs concrete detail to back it up, preferably in the form of made up statistical data. However, this blogger is too lazy to look up any real data, so he will be forgoing the statistics. Instead, there will be an inflamatory remark that will get people so riled up that they won't notice that I am dodging the concrete detail requirement. Television plays off basic human instincts to keep the morons who watch it from consciously making decisions that might possibly involve pushing the power button!!! That's right. Morons. Morons who just got too angry to look for concrete details. It keeps viewers interested with sensationalism and sex for long enough for advertisers to use the thoughtless stupor created to guide viewers into buying their products. News shows pretend to be objective while forcing their ideals upon the viewers who unthinkingly accept them as objective fact. Without use, not unlike muscles, the brain molders, and this leads to the degeneration of the adult mind. Quite frankly, this trend is alarming and wrong. A democratic society cannot rely on thoughtless voters. And I cannot rely on thoughtless timers.

Heroic Herberts Moved

To whom it may concern (and to those it won't concern, too),

The Adventures of Heroic Herbert have been moved to a new blog! The new blog is heroic-herbert.blogspot.com . I hope that all you loyal readers will continue to read weekly, as otherwise, I'm pretty much wasting my time.

On a side note, I've also created a blog that mocks things that I see around town, hear on TV, or see in commercials in short paragraphs. If the mocking done in Heroic Herbert and The Waterlogged Blog isn't enough for you, visit random-mocking.blogspot.com . Or just use the links on this blog to get to either blog.

Thanks for your time and readership,
The Chlorine Addict

Red Light, Green Light... Yellow Light?

What cherished aspect of society should I ruthlessly mock today? Who's favorite tradition should I rip apart with no regard for others' feelings? Well, you guessed it (or more likely, you didn't), today I will be "analyzing" the culture of yellow lights. Now, a small child from a third world country probably wouldn't understand why this is such a big deal, but this is America, land of consumerism and WalMart, where you sit back in your plush chair and think, "This is such a good topic to discuss!" But only if you're a sycophant. Otherwise, you're thinking, "What a moron!"

So what exactly makes yellow lights such a controversial subject? Perhaps it is because of the many different definitions of "yellow light" in the community. The Utah Driver's Handbook (Utah Driver's Bible) states that a yellow light tells drivers to "clear the intersection." Definitions of "yellow light" range from this to the commonly held belief that "if it turns yellow, speed up!" The other day, when I was with a person, who will remain unnamed to protect a "not so innocent" from the law, a light turned yellow about 40 feet away from us. Instead of slowing down to a stop, this individual decided to go about 100 miles over the speed limit, so that we could get into the intersection. Needless to say, he, I mean, this person, ran a red light. However, I'm sure that if I had asked, the response would be, "Well, an inch of my bumper was in the intersection before the light turned red!" What could drive (literally drive, haha... I'll just stop) a person to do such a thing? One word: Impatience.

Webster's Dictionary defines "impatience" as "a lack of patience". This bit of information was not only useless, but was also easily contrived from the fact that "impatience" is simply "patience" with an "im" in front of it. However, it provides the vital function of filling space. There is a common saying that goes along the lines of, "He who first smelt it, dealt it." Wait no! That was "Patience is a virtue!" However, American society seems to be shunning this and other virtues (ex. Foley, and his discarding of virtues like chastity, morality, "not being like Micheal Jackson"). Everything has to be done quicker, and if at all possible, instantaneously. Like Little Caesar's pizza's "hot and ready to go" pizzas, which only go to further the impatience crisis. This impatience is creeping into our society and infecting people with the "yellow light mentality" and will probably eventually begin showing up in sayings of its own. Like "wait not, want not". The problem of the "yellow light mentality" is really becoming a major part of our society. No one is safe from it. Unless we take action and - you know what? I'm sick and tired of waiting for this to get over.

Stealing The Show... Er... Blog

This week, I had the unfortunate experience of getting 10 bucks (aka, A "Hamilton") stolen from me. As I was filled with rage at these people who steal things from other people, or "thieves" for short, I suddenly realized that I could write a very mean blog worth credit for English. As I always say, "Venting and renting" or "whining and pining". Not that that really makes sense, but I felt the need to rhyme... on a dime. But space filling verbiage aside, what makes stealing so wrong? Aside from the fact that, "thou shalt not steal," (Biblical reference to gain legitimacy with the Christian audience) could it be that it is simply against the law (as if people have reservations against that one)? Could it be that the French word for stealing is "voler", which is a false congnate with "vole"? All of these reasons are probably legitimate in the Great Melting Pot of... Why Stealing Is Wrong.

So, why, if it is so morally wrong for people in our society to steal, is it that stealing is widespread? The reason is that stealing is not REALLY wrong in our society. Take, for example, recent movies made about stealing. Oceans Eleven, the movie about a group of thieves breaking into a casino, was so popular that it warranted a sequel. A good sequel (had to make the distinction for you people who are actually reading this with half a brain)! Thus, we see that though society condemns thieves on the record, it is actually good friends with "Stealing" and often spends evenings together watching football and drinking beer (Root beer, whew, that was a close one). And then "Stealing" steals a "Hamilton" from Society's wallet. And high fives its good foreign friend, "Voler". (yay for anthropomorphizing!)

So what motivates these thieves, or, for the purpose of throwing a metaphorical curveball in word choice, jerks (I mean it in every diplomatic sense of the word) to steal from others? They don't want to work for themselves, and earn what others already have. In this generation of "instant gratification", people expect " the world on a silver platter (not literally)". As a result, they are too lazy to work, and simply take what others have. This alarming trend in society is becoming increasingly prevalent. I recently read in the newspaper about a man in Provo, who "backed his truck up to two separate car wash cash machines, chained up, and pulled them out." This man was only caught because he was driving recklessly on the highway later on. So, how exactly did no one notice an ATM being ripped out of the ground? What were the people doing that caused them to totally miss it? Probably sharing beers with "Stealing."

Stereotyping Sure Beats Monotyping

Have you ever seen someone really scary? And not just the creepy lunch lady who glares at you when you get the food? Like perhaps, an emo? Well, I have, and in my typical irresponsible way, I don't really care if you haven't because if you haven't guessed already, that was just a really lame way to introduce the subject I'm going to analyze. Or for you people who don't like lying, the subject I'm going to mock. Emo kids all dress in clothing that most people wouldn't be caught dead in. That's just a stereotype, but if this blogger doesn't rely on stereotypes, he might have to, GASP! do some actual research! Why do they all dress this way? The purpose is to be original, different, and progressive. However, all these "progressives", as the politically correct might refer to the common emo, seem to have the same "original" and "different" clothing styles.

The first aspect of the emo appearance is the use of black. Emos wear black shirts, black pants, black shoes, black eyeliner, black turbans, etc. This is because black is commonly associated with darkness and evil. In an attempt to gain the attention that they so desperately crave, emos attempt to associate themselves with evil. Obviously, this is an EXCELLENT tactic for getting attention.

Another aspect of the emo attire is body peircings. All parents with emo children have a great fear and dread of the day when a tiny voice tells their children that they have to get peircings. This is the voice of Satan. Just joking. It is actually the voice of popular culture, which, like many ideas or inanimate objects, can be anthropomorphized. (Discussion Question: Just how popular does a culture have to be to be considered a popular culture?) The voice of popular culture urges people to PAY people to literally ram a sharp object through their flesh, creating a hole in their flesh, so they can put ugly peices of metal and plastic in the holes to prevent the healing of their body. It makes a lot of sense.

The analysis of emo pants must be done in greater detail. There are two varieties of emo pants. The first is the ripped pants variety, and then there are the girl pants variety. The ripped pants variety comes from a clandestine deal between thrift stores, fashion experts, and pants making companies. The thrift stores sell used pants to pants making companies, which in turn throw them through a meat grinder, which gives them the "fashionable look" advocated by "fashion experts." The other variety of pants comes from the emos borrowing their older sisters' jeans. I will not go any further with this line of thought, because it might end with some hurt feelings, and a shooting of a certain blogger who doesn't want to be shot any time soon. You know what? I think this blogger is going to stop altogether for the previously stated reason. And because this blogger is hungry, and is going to go make lunch for himself.

Leave The Leaves Alone

Recently, my parents packed the whole family into the van, and we went up the canyon to "look at the leaves." I was having a hard time wondering why any sane person with something better to do than homework would look at leaves. They're inherently boring, because they're part of trees. They don't move. They don't make inappropriate sounds. They're not interactive. And yet, we find people in our action driven society with ADHD who take time out of their busy schedules to look at leaves. "Why is this?" I asked myself. And then the answer came... because the colors are changing!

Now, let's think about this logically. The colors of leaves change when the leaves are DYING! That's pretty morbid. People get all excited about looking at trees because they're dying! This simply goes to show how much TV has desensitized society. After watching so many cop shows, and witnessing so many deaths (and that's not even including movies, which have titles dedicated to death and murder, ex. "Kill Bill") people are actually starting to enjoy watching death! Pretty soon, we'll all crowd to stadiums to watch famous people die! And when they do, the audience will simultaneously, and very ceremoniously, with a great deal of sorrow, perform the "wave."

Now that we're through with the whole death paragraph (that was to keep people interested), let's think about what makes the colors so special. I'm not so sure I can think of a reason. They turn red, orange, and yellow. Bright colors. But on the other hand, the green that they originally were is also a bright color (generally). The colors look like the trees are on fire (that's the reason for pyros). So, what's the best thing about orange, red and yellow? Well, the best reason I can think of would probably be that the letters of those words can be arranged to say, "Yo! Danger: Low Reels".

And so, as we come to the end of this blog, we come to wonder not only if this blog is long enough to receive full credit, but also if this blog will have any effect on this alarming trend in society. My guess is that it probably won't, because the text isn't in red, yellow and orange. And probably because it isn't dying.

Litterbugs: Insects or Not?

Though the title implies that I will be analyzing whether or not litterbugs are insects or not, you have been misled. They are most definitely not bugs, just close relatives in the "Things You Would Squish With Your Foot If You Had The Chance" Class. What would cause someone to litter? One answer is that they are simply bozos or jerks, or a combination of both. However, not all reasons are so straight forward.

The first main reason that people litter is because they don't think that just one person will make much of a difference. This is a self centered view of the world. Obviously, there are more people in the world who litter than one. Even if only one in a hundred people (and I'll be honest, there are more) littered, we would still have 60 million people in the world who are littering. And this is just one occurrence. For some, this is a recurring habit or addiction, sort of like drugs. Imagine the environmental degradation from this!

The next reason for littering is simply to "stick it to the man" or for challenge. This is comparable to other crimes like stealing, or murder. These type of people are frequently leaving trash where it would be noticed by others. It gives them great pleasure, and then they have to move up to the next level of littering. Frequently, these wild attempts to gain attention take more effort than just throwing the trash away. Just throw it away, the girls like it better if you care about the environment. It makes them think you're sensitive.

The last reason is that people are simply too lazy to throw away their trash. After all, this is the generation where everything is just a click away on the internet. A step or two would just be too far. So, without looking away from the monitor, they toss the trash behind them for their mom or some other responsible human being to pick it up. As if moms and those responsible people don't have enough to do already.

These are the main reasons that people litter. If this blog has offended you in any way, by all means, print it out, and crumple it up. Rip it up! Burn it! Draw on it! Please recycle when you're done. But if this is offending you, you're probably a litterbug, and you'll just throw it over your shoulder.